It Pierced My Heart

Last night was a moment I knew would come eventually. A moment I had not waited on all my 5 years of motherhood. A moment that pierced through my heart. The words from my 5 year old that I can't get out of my head: I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY MOMMY ANYMORE!! I know I know what you're probably thinking: "This is the first time he's ever said that or something like that??? My kid has said that a million times to me and I just brush it off." Why yes, yes it is.

Rewind to the reasoning of his outburst...... He has started yelling at us in this growling kind of way when he doesn't get his way and we are trying to cut the cord on that. So when he didn't get his way last night, he did just that, growled and yelled at me. (I guess when I read it like that it's kind of funny.) Anyway, so I sent him to his room. Time was up, he came out and wanted to do the same thing. I again said no, he growled and I told him to go back to his room. He stomped away, stopped, turned around and did the whole stick your tongue out with that spitting sound...well you get the picture. So, that was it. Now it was time for bed. Let.the.meltdown.begin. Screaming the whole time he's getting his pajamas on. I put him in bed. I got Lawson ready for bed and as I was laying him down I hear those heartbreaking words...I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY MOMMY! GET OUT OF HERE!

A big lump filled my throat as I walked out of the room. I was trying so hard not to cry because I knew they were just words and he didn't mean them. Let's face it, he's 5 years old and it's probably, I mean it IS, gonna happen again. But as I walked in the living room my eyes filled up and tears started rolling down my face. I felt so hurt. It wasn't necessarily because of what he said (again, I knew he didn't mean it) but I just kept thinking, what if I wasn't his mommy anymore? What if something happened to me and he got a new mommy? (I would haunt Nick for the rest of his life.) (kidding) What if something happened to him and someone else was raising him? I could not get these haunting thoughts out of my head. I was trying hard to dry it up because Nick was on his way home and I didn't want him to know why I was crying. lol I think words take a different toll on mom's more than they do on dad's. I'm not saying dad's don't get their feelings hurt but mom's are just by nature more nurturing. We are the lovers, huggers, kissers, make my boo boo feel better, cheerleader no matter how bad you stink at what you are doing, etc. I just didn't think he would understand.

It  made me think so hard about what being a mommy is. The blog I read the other day that was talking about "I Signed Up For This," was right on the money. I thought of how much my job as a mom really means. I was given the chance to help mold and shape these two tiny humans to be men of God, men that are respectful, men that value other people for who they are, I was chosen. I knew I was doing what was right and I had to stick to my guns. He wasn't dying and going to bed a little early wasn't going to kill him. I know it is only going to get harder the older they get. And as hard as it may get at times with the screams and the yells and the I hate you's or the I don't want you to be my mommy, I will also be thankful and beyond grateful that I have the chance to be called mom.

And....just like I thought, this morning was a new day. I talked to him about what he said and he got tears in his eyes and said, I only want you to be my mommy. A part of me was like, Boom!!! I won! But the even bigger part of me was trying not to cry again because that little person sitting by my side, holding my hand was mine forever and no screaming fit and no words could ever change that.

More of a Life Long Goal than a New Year's Resolution

This year we spent Christmas with my family in Arkansas. We had a great time with cousins, our niece and nephews. We were able to watch my nephew play basketball. He's a senior this year and so I'm afraid our "time" with him is getting slimmer and slimmer. ;)

As I laid in bed last night trying to go to sleep, I thought about how much I love going home. I love driving through my high school town. I love driving up the mountain thinking about all the times I've driven back and forth on that road. And at night, by yourself, it seems you always "see" someone out in the woods or feel someone in your back seat. I'm so glad I have three passengers with me now. I love popping up over the small little hill before my mom and dads house, seeing their car and breathing a sigh of I'm back home. I miss home. I miss the sound of a crackling fire place or now, sitting by a 5 burner stove. I miss the sound of the box fan and the feel of the electric blanket as we lay our heads to sleep. I miss the sound of crickets on a still summer night. I miss the sight of lightning bugs all across the fields. I laugh now at how exciting it actually is when a car passes by and you wonder who it is and where they are going. :) I miss sitting up late at night and watching tv with my mom as we turn it up louder and louder only to drown out my dad's snoring. These are just a few things about my home I miss. 

And then I thought about my husbands home. I miss the morning rain showers that make you think your day at the beach is ruined but then it only lasts for 20 minutes and out comes the beautiful sun. I miss the sound of the ceiling fan in the bunk bed room. It is the perfect noise for falling asleep. I miss the sound of the sliding doors when someone is going in or out of the bathroom. I even miss the sound of those stupid frogs at night that won't let you sleep. But if your not sleeping, there is something soothing about them. I miss my FIL's homemade apple pies. I miss seeing my MIL sitting under the hair dryer as she falls asleep studying for her Sunday School lesson. I miss my brother and sister in law coming over with their kids. There is a small part of me that misses my BIL and husband laughing at the nonsense things no one can understand but them. I miss when we all 6 get to come home and sleep in the same house, find a spot to sleep and claim it. 

All of these things I mentioned, they didn't make those houses a home and they are not even the things that make me want to go back. What made them a home is the love from the two people that live in each of them. Every home has some hard times and times that really make you stop and think. But the love that comes from each of these, make me want to go back and take my kids back. 

That, that is my life long goal. To make my home a place my kids want to come back too. There are certainly some things I am going to try and accomplish this year. I hate saying I'm making a resolution because as soon as I do, I break it. So, I just try and come up with a few goals I would like to accomplish and pray I can do that. For instance, keep my house a little cleaner not just when we are going to have visitors. (Thank goodness God looks at the cleanliness of our hearts and not our homes.) Yikes. Also, I am going to try and drink at least one glass of water a day. Trust me, this is huge in my life. But my biggest goal this year is to make my home a place my boys feel loved. They are young, I get it. They won't be moving out anytime soon. And, I am more than certain that they know we love them. But I want it to be more than that. I want them to want to come home. Even from school, I want them to be excited to come home and share their day with us. I don't want it to be a place they dread coming to. I want them to know we have time for them. I'm ready to make our family time more of a priority. I know there will be days when we just want to come home and crash and that's ok. But I want to do more things with our boys. I want them to want to be with us. Play games, jump on the trampoline, family game nights, etc. 

I'm realizing these days just how precious time really is. And really, this may all sound silly to you. But I'll be the first to admit, my phone and especially facebook, have had way more of my time than my kids have. It's almost like I'm more worried that I will miss something going on in someone else's life than I am missing the moments right in front of me. I'm not going to stop getting on FB but I am going to monitor my time more and make sure my kids and husband are first priority. It's just not worth it. I mean, I have a 5 year old now who will be starting kindergarten this coming year. Really?? Where did the last 5 years of his tiny self go?? My kids mean the world to me and so does my husband. I want to have more husband time too. More date nights, more time with just the two of us. This.is.hard. but it's certainly not not doable. So be on the look out, I may be asking you to watch some cute little boys so we can have a date night here and there. ;) 

I'm so thankful we always have a home we can go back to and visit. I pray that one day my boys will sit and think of the things they miss about our home and just smile when they finally reach the point they can see our car in the driveway. 

A Glimpse of our 2013

Some highlights of my 2013...........

Keeping some of the most awesome kids in my home......

 Taking my baby to daycare for the first time and watching my big boy start Pre-K

 Taking a mini-vacay with two of the most wonderful people/friends we could ask for. (Must do it again.)

 Celebrating 6 years with this man......He truly is my best friend.

 Connecting and becoming a part of an amazing church and group of believers 

We had an amazing 2013.  There were some hard times, sad times but more amazing times than anything. We lost my sweet grandpa this year but we know he is rejoicing in his heavenly home. This summer we were able to spend an entire month with our family in Florida. And, although it was probably a week too long, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We were able visit with family we hadn't seen in almost 4 years. We met our niece Grace for the first time. We soaked up every bit of GiGi and Papa that we could and our niece and nephew (cousins). One of the best summer trips ever. Malachi did TOTs for the first time and loved it. Lawson started daycare which broke this momma's heart but he has loved it and it has been so good for him to be in a structured setting. Malachi turned 5 and is now ready to start kindergarten. I can't believe he will be going to "real" school. I started back to work in the outside world. I love my job and the people I work with. Nick has continued to do what he loves, coach basketball. We were able to be there on the day our friends adopted their daughter, Lucy. She is beautiful and a blessing and has the greatest parents. So many friends had babies and they are oh so precious. Our good friends moved to Colorado. Sad for us, new adventure and calling for them. We found a church home that we absolutely LOVE. 

All of these things are only a glimpse of what took place in our 2013 year. There is so much more to share and a lot more blessings to remember. I am thankful for what God did for us last year and how he opened our eyes to things we needed to see. I'm looking for a brand new year full of blessings and signs that our God is still alive. 

Our First Born......

From the moment we found out...... We have Loved You!!

To say daddy was so happy you were a boy is an understatement.

The first car ride home......longest and scariest moment of our lives. 

I truly cannot believe you are 5 today. I can remember that day so well. It went by much faster than I had ever planned. November 30th, it's a day that put a whole new meaning to what love is. It was a day that the world stood still, a day when the world seemed more scary than it ever had, a day that made me laugh and cry all at the same time, a day that I never will forget....It was the day you made me a mommy. I found a whole new love inside, a love I didn't know could exist. How could you possibly love someone this much? Someone that you had never even met. For 9 months I protected you from too much caffeine and unheated hot dogs. Now I have to protect you from the world? Was I ready for this? Was I ready to bring home someone so innocent and tiny? We were as ready as we could be and we certainly were not going to leave the hospital without you. ;)   'Tis true what they say, time is flying by. It seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating your

First Birthday. 

Sports seemed like a generic enough theme for someone who could really care less that it was their first birthday. Little did I know that you would soon be a little sports fanatic. Football, basketball, baseball, nascar, soccer, you name it, you want to play it. And your ability to name players and drivers, teams and mascots never ceases to amaze me. (You're just like your father.) Every year you have taught me something new. Just when I think I couldn't possibly love you anymore, I find another whole new way of loving you.

From Toy Story....

 to Veggie Tales.....

 to your 4th and the Dallas Mavericks....

 It has all landed us here. 

Today you turn 5!!!! (Texas Rangers next Saturday)

I absolutely cannot tell you how much JOY you bring to our lives. You are the most handsome 5 year old I know.  You have such a tender heart and are such a loving little man. I never knew I would play so many cars, have so many sword fights, raise my hand every time we go over a train track, I never knew until I had you. I am SO BLESSED and SO THANKFUL that God chose me to be your mommy. I love you with everything that I have. I will fight for you and protect you. I will cheer for you and support you. I will love you and discipline you. I will pray for you. Most of all, I will LOVE you. I will love you forever. Malachi Joseph Cowan you are my precious first born and today I hope you know how much you mean to me. 

My Best Friend

This weekend my Best Friend and I had a "girls" night in Dallas. She is getting married NEXT MONTH!!! 

We met in 2000 at church camp. She was fun, pretty, loved Jesus and well.....we just hit it off. December of 2000 I decided to move to Florida to live with her. She was living in Pensacola and going to school at Brownsville. We both worked at the same daycare. Work in the morning, beach in the afternoon. That....was the good life. 

She has been the most loyal friend I've ever had. Our relationship is funny at times. She says what she thinks, I say what I think and we become better friends. I remember one time Nick saying how mean we were to each other. lol But really, it's how we stay the best of friends. Honest. Real. No eggshell walking. Just say it like it is and move on. She is a big part of our family and we are gonna miss her when she moves. Aunt Jengie. That's her name in the Cowan house. 

She deserves the very best and I'm now convinced she's getting the best. It's been a running joke between her and Nick that when the time comes, her man would have to ask permission from me and not her dad. Silly people.  I may have ran a tight ship with her relationships. LOL But it was only because no one was ever good enough. But Mark, well Mark was a keeper. We love him and can't wait for him to be Uncle Marky. 

Best Friends

Did God really just speak to me during Candy Crush?

Go ahead and laugh, I sure did. Have you ever had God speak to you in the most peculiar places? Last night was one of those times. It wasn't necessarily the place it happened at but what I was doing when He spoke. I was playing Candy Crush. Really??

For those of you not familiar with the game, Candy Crush can be quite addicting. I rarely play it anymore, mostly because I have been on the same level since July and can't figure out how to beat it. Anyway, candy crush is a game where you have to get more than two colors in a row to get rid of the squares. Goal: To break all the squares before you run out of moves or before one of the bombs explode. In most cases, you have 10 chances to get rid of the bombs before you lose. So you really have to pay attention and remember how many chances you have before it explodes.

As I am playing this game last night, God began to speak to me. Not gonna lie, I did a God check. Nah, this is just my head rambling in its own conversation. And the more he spoke, the more I realized it wasn't just me. In the game of Candy Crush, you know exactly how many chances you have before that bomb explodes. In life, we don't always get 10 chances and we certainly don't know when the last chance will be. And in the game, when the bomb explodes, I always blame it on something or someone else. I didn't know it was going to explode because the boys were fighting, or I had to check on dinner, or someone called and interrupted me. I know I have 10 chances to get rid of the bombs yet I always want to blame it on someone else.

There are things in our lives (my life) that God has been trying to get our attention on and yet we keep on playing. I know we have all been lucky that we have been given chance after chance and nothing has "exploded" yet. But when will that last chance be? Maybe you've already been given 20 chances with texting and driving, or 10 chances with cheating on a test, or 30 chances of not paying attention to your spouses needs, maybe it's befriending a co-worker that everyone else rejects, etc. Whatever it may be, those chances are soon to run out. And who will be to blame, you. Only problem is, we don't know when that last chance will be. Has God been trying to get your attention on something and you just keep saying, I've got time. I'll do it later. I'll take care of that tomorrow. Don't let your chances run out before it's too late.

I'm telling you, I still think this funny. Comparing life to Candy Crush. But, I guess God will use anything when he needs to get our attention the most.

Living What He Preached

Last week, a wonderful man of God passed away. My grandpa was one of the most Godly men I have ever known. He was always praying, always seeking after God. He loved his family. If ever there was a problem or something we were going through, we could always count on him to pray for us. I've been thinking back over the years of all the awesome memories we all shared with him: camping, fishing, hauling hay, sitting out in the yard talking, church, etc. But I can honestly say, the one memory that will stick with me probably more than anything, is the faith in God he showed during his last days.

Before he got to the point that he couldn't really talk, he preached his last message right there in his living room, laying in his bed. Quoting scripture, giving God all the praise. I wish I could have been there to hear him. But I was able to make it the weekend before he passed and I will never forget it. At this point he could hardly speak at all. If he did, you had to get real close and just try and make out the words that he would say. That Saturday, me, my aunts and my cousins stood beside his bed singing songs that we knew he loved. My grandpa sick and dying in the bed, would raise his hands and say Yes Lord and Amen. It was so hard to get through any song without crying. Watching him praising his Savior even in the bad times. He was truly living out the words he had always preached. Praising God no matter what.

Everyone stayed the last few days with him, taking turns staying up. This gave my granny relief and allowed her to get some much needed rest. And let me tell you, you will never meet a sweeter, more tender hearted woman than her. Anyway, one night my aunt said as she was staying up by his bedside and she heard choir music. No one singing, just the sweet music of the choir. She said, right where that music was, my grandpa's eyes were fixed on that area. She didn't mention the music to anyone because she said, I thought you all might think I'm crazy. lol  Well, another aunt and two more of my cousins heard the same sweet choir music. My grandpa would say raise his hands praising the Lord. I believe with all my heart, this was the music from heaven, welcoming him home. It was only a few days after that, that the Lord took him to the place He had lived his life to be.

We are sad that we won't see him on earth anymore but oh how sweet it is to know exactly where he is. A new body, a new hand...singing unending praises at the feet of Jesus. My grandpa's son, my uncle, preached his funeral. I can't imagine how tough that would be but he did an amazing job. He truly made it feel like a homecoming for my grandpa. Well, that's how I felt anyway. If you left the funeral doubting who God is and the one you should be serving, then you must've been asleep. :)

The one song that played over and over in my head that weekend was:
And on that day when my strength is failing
the end draws near and my time has come.
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more.

I am thankful that my family has come from amazing faith legacies. Both sets of my grandparents and my husbands grandparents were strong believers and lived it in their daily lives.  We are so blessed to come from such great families!!