Sunday, October 26, 2014

Are you sad? That is the Big Question

Nick did not want to find out what we were having. I told him I had to know and of course everyone else was going to want to know. And if he could find a way not to find out then I was all for it. I would wait until the baby was born for him to find out. Impossible. I couldn't keep it a secret anyway. I like shopping and talking too much about the baby. My friend Destinee had agreed to go to my appointment with me. She was going to take the sono picture with the gender on it, go buy a gift for the boys to open with all of us together. Well last minute, we decided to invite our friends over so they could share in the excitement with us. It was such a fun time to spend with friends.

Oh the anticipation while waiting for everyone to get there. I was trying to be casual and cool but on the inside I was like a kid in the candy store. And then, it was time. Everyone had arrived and to the backyard we headed. Destinee thought the boys would enjoy spraying silly string everywhere and she was right, they loved it. So the time came to spray and they did and the silly string was white. White? I kept thinking, is this going to turn a brighter color after so many seconds. They kept spraying and we kept looking, kinda confused. And then we could see it. A light blue was coming out of the cans, not white. It was not going to turn pink any time soon. No matter how hard I thought or how many times I clicked my heels, it was not going to turn from blue to pink. It.was.a.boy.

I tried my hardest to smile and be happy and I was because hello, I'm being blessed by another baby. But this baby was not the girl I had hoped for. Dreamed of. Longed for. I wanted to just bend over and cry. No need in me lying about it, God already knew the outcome and he already knew how I would feel. But, for the sake of the people standing before me, I smiled, I carried on, I laughed and I held back the tears. The little girl I had always wanted was now my baby boy.

I cried that night after everyone left, away from my husband even. I even asked, Why doesn't God want me to have a little girl? I couldn't think of a very good reason honestly. I wanted to buy big bows just like everyone else with a girl. I wanted to buy frilly fun clothes and watch her dance recitals too. I couldn't think of the why because I could only think of the now. God was looking at the bigger picture and already had plans for this little boy and he chose me to help him fulfill them.

Oh I'm sorry, you just can't believe that I wouldn't be happy? You can't believe I wanted to cry even though I was still having a wonderful little blessing? Well, I'm sorry then that I'm a little more human than you. Have you never wanted something so bad and when you didn't get it, your heart fell to the ground? Have you prayed for something you thought would be wonderful and the Lord had different plans than yours? No? Interesting.

Yes I was sad. Yes I cried. Yes I asked why. And yes I woke up the next day still thinking, I'm having another boy not a girl. I got to work that day and told someone it was boy and their words....that's terrible. No little girl huh? And all changed. I could feel my face get red and my body heated up and out came the claws. I said, no it's not terrible. I am a boy mom. I love having boys. And now, I have been blessed with one more. And that's when I knew... I was born to be a mom of boys. I felt it. I didn't think about that he could have been a girl but he was a boy. No, I thought about how if you say that about my son again, I'll punch you in the face. (Let me also say, this person knew I really wanted a girl so I know their intentions were good, it just came out wrong. They meant well and was trying to make me feel better but....)

I'm now a mom to 3 boys and I couldn't be happier. God gave me what I needed, not what I wanted. I don't know how our lives will play out but I can't wait to see what these three amazing little boys do in the future. Now we live with the anticipation of meeting him. Who will he look like? What will his name be? (No, we don't have one picked out.) I love picturing myself wearing three different numbers for three different little athletes. And who knows, this one may not care about sports. The anticipation of his little personality makes me heart smile.

In 5 more months we will  meet one of the 3 most wonderful little boys in the world. I can't wait to hold him and help raise him to be the man God wants him to be.

Thank you all for the congratulations and the kind words. Please pray for him and that he would be a healthy baby boy.

Sidenote: To my future DILs, please know, I am going to pick you a part, background check you, watch you like a hawk.  Hurt one of my boys. Go on, I dare you. :) Kidding. I'm kidding.

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