Thursday, July 7, 2016

Dear Friends: Promise Me You Will Read the Whole Thing

For all my friends that know me well know that I hate confrontation and arguments. I would rather just do what needs to be done and avoid it at all costs. But, for the last two nights, when my husband has fallen asleep, I have gone to the bathroom and cried. I have cried over the loss of a man that I didn't even know. I have cried because there is a fear inside of me that wonders if someday this could be my husband or one of my three sons. PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

This is not a post about white cops killing black people so please just keep reading. This is a post about a wife and a mother wanting you desperately to understand the world we are living in and the reason we react to certain news stories the way we do. In fear.

When I met Nick, I met a funny, smart, incredibly good looking man. A black man. A black man that became my husband and the father of my three amazing boys. He and my boys did not get to choose what color of skin they have. God did that. And since God is the perfector of all things, I would say their skin is just perfect. Imagine if you had a son/daughter born with down syndrome, mental retardation, born without an arm or a leg, etc, imagine if one of my boys or me and my husband made a joke about them? Remember now, it was only a joke. It would anger you to the core. It would hurt every fiber in your being. Why? Because they didn't choose this disability. They are your son/daughter and you love them no matter what. So imagine when you make a joke to me or my husband about a black stereotype. "Oh Nick doesn't like watermelon. I thought all black people do."It hurts. It's not funny. You may see us laugh it off and shake our head, why? Because if we say anything to you about it, you become defensive and say Oh I was just joking. It was just a joke. It's just a joke to you but your joke is part of the problem.  PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

Two weeks ago my husband and I were in Walmart. He saw the lady watching him the whole time. We were in the self-checkout. We rang everything up, checked out and left. She was still watching him. We are almost to the door and the cashier comes running to us. "A customer didn't see you scan the two air mattresses. Can I check your receipt?" (A customer?) Yes mam, here it is. "Oh there it is. Sometimes things just don't show up. I didn't see you ring it up." Wait, you first said a customer. Now you say it doesn't always show up. Now you say it was you that didn't see it. See, I know what you are thinking friends, we are making it a race thing. We have had plenty encounters to know when he is being targeted for race and when he is not. So please, don't try and dumb this down to being nothing. That is part of the problem.

Let me ask you a few questions: Have you ever had your 3 year old nephew come home upset because his white friend said he didn't want to play with him because he was black? (Explain that to a 3 year old) Have you ever ridden with your husband through a town where the KKK is still active and fear grips his face because he is just praying we make it through there without breaking down and before it gets dark? Have you ever had someone in the store ask you, "Oh is he yours?" talking about my son. Have you ever had anyone ask you, "Oh, where is she from?" talking about my niece because they thought she was adopted. Have you ever been asked if you are still with THE daddy because you couldn't possibly have the same dad for all three boys and still be with him. Have you ever gone to school to get your Bachelor's degree and people just assume you are there to play sports? My husband did not go to college to play sports. He went to further his education.

I hear what you are saying. Trust me. I know you know us. I know you know what kind of man Nick is and how we are raising our boys but society doesn't. Not everyone sees him as a well educated black man. A black man who was a coach, a middle school teacher and now a High School Youth Minister. Not everyone will see the big heart he has, the hard worker that he is, the compassion that he feels for those in need. They will only see him as a black man. Someone they need to watch closely. We are raising three boys to the best of our ability. God fearing, respectable, hard working, compassionate, kind to everyone. We can do that. We can pray for their protection and pray that they always follow God's heart. We also have to prepare them for the way they will be treated because of the color of their skin. Their skin. Something they did not choose. PROMISE ME YOU WILL KEEP READING.

We always hear that it takes a village to raise our kids and we do. But I need to know that my village is not part of the problem. I need to know that you don't dismiss every story you hear because "people are just playing the race card again." I need to know that you are teaching your kids to love everyone despite their skin color, how much money they have, what kind of car they drive, etc. I need to know that when you pick up my baby that you don't see him as the cutest mixed baby (because apparently all mixed babies are the cutest which just isn't true) but as world changer. I need to know that if someone is being mean to my kid because of the color of their skin that you will have the guts to stand up to them. I need to know that you want to see this world change from the hate that is in it to a world where people are loved not because of the color of their skin but because they are a human being.

And here is where I need you to PROMISE TO KEEP READING because this is where I'll just be real honest. Don't you DARE tell me I shouldn't fear for my husband and sons because it will never happen to them. Don't you DARE tell me that it's different because my husband is not a "thug" and he acts right. Do you know how many people have "acted right" and still been killed? Don't you DARE tell me to sit and talk with an officer about all the crap they have gone through until you have set with my family about all the crap we (including my in-laws) have gone through. (This happened this morning.)

You see, this is not a cop vs black people problem. It is a society as a whole problem. We don't want to acknowledge it unless it affects us directly. I have told stories of things that have happened to me and my husband and people act shocked. "No, not here. Not in our town. I just can't believe that would happen. It must have been a misunderstanding." This is part of the problem. You don't want to see it. You would rather keep your blinders on and hope that someone else fixes the problem.

As a wife and mother, I try not to fear anything for my family. I pray and I try my hardest to trust God in everything. This is what I do know. My family loves the Lord with all their heart. We will serve him despite the news reports. We will serve him no matter how we are treated. We will tell the good news to those who need to hear it. We will raise our boys to be God-fearing men. We will love those who love us and love those who hate us. Will you join us? Will you love no matter what? Will you seek to help those no matter the color of their skin? Will you get out of your comfort zone and try and understand someone else's footsteps who are not like you? Will you be part of the change?

29 comments:

  1. Praying that me and my family will be part of the change the world needs. <3 Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  2. Thank you for being willing to share this! Our family will be part of the change .

    Kristen

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  3. My parents taught us to JUST LOVE PEOPLE and see them for their hearts and souls instead of their outward features. That someone's skin color is no different than a different pant color. And you know what? All three of my siblings and myself are all currently married or engaged to someone of a different race; and we all intend to teach our children the same values and same acceptance... continuing the cycle. Having family members who are black, I completely understand your fears, your struggle, your day to day battles that most of us are lucky enough to avoid. I understand, and I will continue to be the change I wish to see in the world. For my family, for yours, and for the millions facing unjust prejudices every single day.

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  4. Beautiful words. I have no idea what else to do but pray.

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  5. Very powerful!
    May the Lord lift up your family and surround you with his favor, so people will see the love and compassion that Ya'll have.

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  6. I could have written this. Verbatim.
    I am the white wife of a black man and the mother of our 2 afro-headed mixed boys. I have a very interesting conversation going on on my Facebook page about this.
    Kelly Moronko Nwafor
    #beingblackshouldntbescary #truth #prayforourblackkids

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  7. Hello! I don't know you, but I wanted to say thanks for your post. My husband is black. I'm currently pregnant with our first child. He texted me this morning on his way to work once we heard about Philando and said, "this makes me only want girls." And it broke my heart. I cried on the way to work thinking about how he has been fearful when he has gotten pulled over, and what that could mean if our unborn child is a boy. My husband is an amazing man, kind, successful, and will be an amazing father. But you are right, some people will look at him as just a black man, someone to be feared.

    Thanks again for your post.
    Alyson Roberson

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    1. I am so sorry that you have to feel that way about a beautiful that you are receiving. Boy or girl, you and your husband will find a way to raise them to be a strong and courageous man or woman. We can't always protect them but we can always pray for God to carry them. Congratulations on your sweet baby. One thing I have had to tell myself is, although the world may never see my family the way I do, this will never overpower the way I see them and most importantly the way God sees them. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    2. I, too, am a white woman married to a successful, educated, black man and he has shared the exact same sentiment. If we have a daughter, society will see her as pretty and mixed. If we have a son, he will be back. I watch people be scared of my husband and it breaks my heart. They don't know how kind and gentle he is. I can't imagine the emotions if we were to have a son and people become afraid of him.

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  8. What a moving piece. I can't begin to imagine how all this feels. I, too, have tried hard to teach my own children and my school children that we were all created by the same God and since He obviously likes variety, so should we!!! With His help, I will be part of the change as well. Thank you for your post and may God richly bless you and your family. Lisa mcBrayer

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  9. Well said, my friend. The Burton's will join you and try to be part of the change. Love you guys so much!

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    1. Thank you for your comment. And to answer your question: I have babysat many kids in my day and time. NOT ONCE has anyone ever questioned me about the white baby I was carrying. Again, until you have experienced what my family has, please don't try and dumb it down. Thank you.

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    3. In case you are unaware, calling someone colored is very offensive. You and I clearly have very different views on MY situations.

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    5. This will be my last reply to you. I would block you if I could but I can't. Like I said, I have been in enough situations to know when a person is being racist and when they are not. Your ignorance is part of the problem. You can reply as much as you want but I will not respond. If a reaction is what you are wanting to get out of me you will not. I realize now you are not hear to listen or to learn.

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  11. Hey girl it has been since we were in school since I've seen you but I just wanted to say that I agree and I will pray with you for your family! My parents raised me to love unconditionally and that meant to love people red,yellow, black or white we are all created by God and his intention was for us to love everyone as he loved us!! So my family will join you and we will love no matter what and we will pray with you in agreement for the lord to change people's hearts love like christ! We did Foster care and we are now adopting 4 beautiful kiddos and we have been in the store and have been asked those very questions in front of our kids and it makes you angry and then it just makes my heart fall to my feet and I don't care if it is a joke or not people need to have better manners about themselves to when it is appropriate to ask questions and say things that could be hurtful!! They need to keep the rudeness to themselves!! I don't usually watch the news because of all the negative and the hate that is on there!

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    1. Hey girl!! What an honor that God chose you guys to take care of those sweet babies. I'm so sorry for what you have encountered. We just have to keep praying and keep being vocal about the change we want to see.

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    2. Amen!! We are both blessed with amazing families that love and taught us to love unconditionally but most of all they taught us to follow the lords will in everything!!

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    3. Amen!! We are both blessed with amazing families that love and taught us to love unconditionally but most of all they taught us to follow the lords will in everything!!

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  12. Right. On. This is real, raw,and honest talk and I LOVE you for broadcasting this! My stepmother is white and my father black. My brother is biracial and step siblings white. Sometimes traveling through certain towns in the US we didn't stop because we knew we would not be welcomed or safe. God bless you and your family.

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  14. I could have wrote this exact same post!!! Real talk - been through it all. I have been asked on several ocassions where I adopted my daughter from - she came from my belly!!!! Breaks my heart that we are raising our children in a world full of hate, but we keep praying and teaching God's word and raising both of our children (son and daughter) how to love all and how to love themselves.

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  15. Wonderful, truthful, and absolutely heartbreaking. I will never understand what it is like to be you, and I know that ignorance and racism is alive and well. I have no words other than I am so sorry. Thank you for shedding light on your experience. It is my goal to raise my boys to be part of the solution.

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  16. Thank you so much for writing this. As a wife to a black man, I struggle greatly in my attempts to share with others that passive racism continues. Not only do my inlaws share their stories with me, but the experiences I have had while being with my husband shows that we haven't made progress, but instead we have perfected being quiet in our hate. The amount of times we are watched in stores, avoided on the streets, etc. We are 31 and 36 as much as I feel compelled to be a mother, I will be lying if I didn't say I have active fear in bringing a child into this world and not being able to ensure their peace.

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  17. Thank you for your post. Your words are veautiful and speak to a problem much greater than cops vs. black. Over and over on FB and didfferent blogs I have spoken to the nuances of racism- it's subtleties and varying degrees of flavor. I also know you could have have spoken to the reverse racism you feel from the black communitty because in their opinion, you as a white woman could never truly understand our fears and sorrow biut you chose not to. I know because you are white your fears for your sons are no less than my own. Your hopes and desires for your children are the same- that they have a future. I feel your pain, outrage, sorrow and most of all your hope. For we know God is great. Through prayer, self reflection and self accountability, change can come. I applaud you your choice to ask readers to ask themselves if they are part of the problem. If the question makes you a bit uncomfortable, then perhaps the answer is yes. In the interim hug your husband and your boys tight daily. Pray unceasingly and keep asking the important questions.

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  18. Thank you for posting your thoughtful and stong letter about your family. My son is black, born of my body as a white woman. His dad is very close to his life, even though we are not a couple. I too worry about my beautiful and beloved young man, age 13. I am appalled by the ignorance I read on-line about black people, people of color. I live in a progressive city, but the passive racism and insensitivity is here too. Mostly, I like to consider how many white people are deeply connected to our black brothers and sisters through direct blood family connections. Our generation has created blended and extended families of kinship across race and culture, as did our ancestors during the horrific times of enslavement. I think that racist, bigoted white people fail to recognize our entwined racial histories with people of color. They fail to love! They live in fear. I know that white mothers of black/brown children need to speak up, to challenge the belief of separation, to prove that love makes the bridge for our country to get past the hate. Thanks again for speaking your truth.

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