Dear Friends: Promise Me You Will Read the Whole Thing

For all my friends that know me well know that I hate confrontation and arguments. I would rather just do what needs to be done and avoid it at all costs. But, for the last two nights, when my husband has fallen asleep, I have gone to the bathroom and cried. I have cried over the loss of a man that I didn't even know. I have cried because there is a fear inside of me that wonders if someday this could be my husband or one of my three sons. PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

This is not a post about white cops killing black people so please just keep reading. This is a post about a wife and a mother wanting you desperately to understand the world we are living in and the reason we react to certain news stories the way we do. In fear.

When I met Nick, I met a funny, smart, incredibly good looking man. A black man. A black man that became my husband and the father of my three amazing boys. He and my boys did not get to choose what color of skin they have. God did that. And since God is the perfector of all things, I would say their skin is just perfect. Imagine if you had a son/daughter born with down syndrome, mental retardation, born without an arm or a leg, etc, imagine if one of my boys or me and my husband made a joke about them? Remember now, it was only a joke. It would anger you to the core. It would hurt every fiber in your being. Why? Because they didn't choose this disability. They are your son/daughter and you love them no matter what. So imagine when you make a joke to me or my husband about a black stereotype. "Oh Nick doesn't like watermelon. I thought all black people do."It hurts. It's not funny. You may see us laugh it off and shake our head, why? Because if we say anything to you about it, you become defensive and say Oh I was just joking. It was just a joke. It's just a joke to you but your joke is part of the problem.  PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

Two weeks ago my husband and I were in Walmart. He saw the lady watching him the whole time. We were in the self-checkout. We rang everything up, checked out and left. She was still watching him. We are almost to the door and the cashier comes running to us. "A customer didn't see you scan the two air mattresses. Can I check your receipt?" (A customer?) Yes mam, here it is. "Oh there it is. Sometimes things just don't show up. I didn't see you ring it up." Wait, you first said a customer. Now you say it doesn't always show up. Now you say it was you that didn't see it. See, I know what you are thinking friends, we are making it a race thing. We have had plenty encounters to know when he is being targeted for race and when he is not. So please, don't try and dumb this down to being nothing. That is part of the problem.

Let me ask you a few questions: Have you ever had your 3 year old nephew come home upset because his white friend said he didn't want to play with him because he was black? (Explain that to a 3 year old) Have you ever ridden with your husband through a town where the KKK is still active and fear grips his face because he is just praying we make it through there without breaking down and before it gets dark? Have you ever had someone in the store ask you, "Oh is he yours?" talking about my son. Have you ever had anyone ask you, "Oh, where is she from?" talking about my niece because they thought she was adopted. Have you ever been asked if you are still with THE daddy because you couldn't possibly have the same dad for all three boys and still be with him. Have you ever gone to school to get your Bachelor's degree and people just assume you are there to play sports? My husband did not go to college to play sports. He went to further his education.

I hear what you are saying. Trust me. I know you know us. I know you know what kind of man Nick is and how we are raising our boys but society doesn't. Not everyone sees him as a well educated black man. A black man who was a coach, a middle school teacher and now a High School Youth Minister. Not everyone will see the big heart he has, the hard worker that he is, the compassion that he feels for those in need. They will only see him as a black man. Someone they need to watch closely. We are raising three boys to the best of our ability. God fearing, respectable, hard working, compassionate, kind to everyone. We can do that. We can pray for their protection and pray that they always follow God's heart. We also have to prepare them for the way they will be treated because of the color of their skin. Their skin. Something they did not choose. PROMISE ME YOU WILL KEEP READING.

We always hear that it takes a village to raise our kids and we do. But I need to know that my village is not part of the problem. I need to know that you don't dismiss every story you hear because "people are just playing the race card again." I need to know that you are teaching your kids to love everyone despite their skin color, how much money they have, what kind of car they drive, etc. I need to know that when you pick up my baby that you don't see him as the cutest mixed baby (because apparently all mixed babies are the cutest which just isn't true) but as world changer. I need to know that if someone is being mean to my kid because of the color of their skin that you will have the guts to stand up to them. I need to know that you want to see this world change from the hate that is in it to a world where people are loved not because of the color of their skin but because they are a human being.

And here is where I need you to PROMISE TO KEEP READING because this is where I'll just be real honest. Don't you DARE tell me I shouldn't fear for my husband and sons because it will never happen to them. Don't you DARE tell me that it's different because my husband is not a "thug" and he acts right. Do you know how many people have "acted right" and still been killed? Don't you DARE tell me to sit and talk with an officer about all the crap they have gone through until you have set with my family about all the crap we (including my in-laws) have gone through. (This happened this morning.)

You see, this is not a cop vs black people problem. It is a society as a whole problem. We don't want to acknowledge it unless it affects us directly. I have told stories of things that have happened to me and my husband and people act shocked. "No, not here. Not in our town. I just can't believe that would happen. It must have been a misunderstanding." This is part of the problem. You don't want to see it. You would rather keep your blinders on and hope that someone else fixes the problem.

As a wife and mother, I try not to fear anything for my family. I pray and I try my hardest to trust God in everything. This is what I do know. My family loves the Lord with all their heart. We will serve him despite the news reports. We will serve him no matter how we are treated. We will tell the good news to those who need to hear it. We will raise our boys to be God-fearing men. We will love those who love us and love those who hate us. Will you join us? Will you love no matter what? Will you seek to help those no matter the color of their skin? Will you get out of your comfort zone and try and understand someone else's footsteps who are not like you? Will you be part of the change?

It's Going To Be More Than You Can Handle

I don't know what the IT is in your life but IT is going to be more than you can handle. I know, you've been told that "God will never give us more than we can bear." Here's the truth to that... It's not true. You won't find it in the Bible. You might possibly find it on a Pinterest poster under amazing quotes but it's simply not true. People often relate 1 Corinthians 10:13 to this phrase. Paul was writing about temptation not suffering.  I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm even more sorry that someone has told this very phrase to you. You're probably thinking how could you possibly be this strong Christian, letting this circumstance way you down because you should be able to handle it. That's because you are human. That's because you need God more than ever before.

If we could handle everything, there would be no need for our faith in Him. Do you honestly think losing a child is bearable? Do you think seeing your spouse suffer and die from cancer is bearable? I can't imagine. These things are unbearable BUT with the hope and trust in God that his promise to never leave nor forsake us is what is going to carry you through. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." This is your HOPE!!

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Psalm 23:4 When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

You are in the toughest battle of your life right now but God is not surprised. You don't think you can handle anymore...You can't without Him. Lean on him. Trust in Him. He can carry you through. It's not going to be easy but by the Grace of God you will overcome. 

So the next time someone tells you, he will never give you more than you can bear, throat punch them (or call me and I'll do it.) Or, simply say, Your wrong. I can't bear this but I know God won't leave me alone to do it by myself. He is with me ALWAYS. 

Teachers Care

Hey mom and dad I know you are frustrated. You feel like your child's teacher doesn't like them. You feel like the school is against them. All you want is for your child to get a good education. All you want is for his/her teacher to teach them, everything. It can be hard leaving your precious cargo in the hands of someone else for 7+ hours a day. (I get it. I have a son in school too.)

You see, as a teacher, we don't just have your child. We have an entire classroom full of someone's babies. We have to make sure that every student in that classroom is well taken care of and getting the education that they need. It is our duty. It is our job. It is also our calling.

I understand you are frustrated and are now sending me an email every 3 hours because I wouldn't help your sweet boy tie his shoe. After all, you did say it was my job to teach him that skill and I did. What you don't know is for 3 months we sat at recess and went over and over "Over under around the tree..." and one day he finally got it!! I was so proud of him. I even let him get a prize from the treasure box. So when he asked me to help him tie his shoe, I told him no, you can do it now.

I understand that you are frustrated because your daughter came home and told you I wouldn't let her turn in her work. I get it that would frustrate me too. But see, I have been asking her for her work since last Friday and she kept telling me she would turn it in. Now it's past due and no, I wouldn't accept it. Remember when you told me it was my job to teach her to be responsible?

As teachers, we are constantly told that we are responsible for the way children act, what they learn, let's be honest, we are responsible for making sure they eat their lunch. It's not a fairyland here at school. No. Sometimes it's just the opposite. We are hit, kicked, cussed at, lied about, belittled, etc and still, we come back, every single day. We come back because we care.

We really do care about your child. We care so much that sometimes we take our own money to buy them lunch because you forgot to pack one. We buy them a coat when we see they are wearing short sleeves in 32 degree weather. We stay after school and tutor them to make sure they don't fall behind in Math and Reading. We sometimes neglect our own families because we are preparing the next day for your child. We see your child with great potential and that's why we expect the best from them.

So mom and dad, please remember when you are ready to beat down our door in anger, we have cared for your child in ways you can't imagine. Your child has disrespected us in ways you don't want to admit. But still, we love them and we will continue to teach them not just because it's our job but because we care. So if you want to do something, pray for us. Pray for wisdom that we can give each child in our class what he/she needs. Pray for strength. That when the days are tough we are tougher. Pray for understanding. Pray that we understand exactly what it is that your child needs. Pray for our safety. We never know what might enter our classroom. Pray for rest. Just because we go home and lay our heads down doesn't mean we are not thinking about the little boy who just lost his dad or the little girl who always wears shoes with holes in them. We are by no means perfect and we will/do make mistakes. But if we work together as a team we can make a difference in your child's life. We are in this together.