I'm Failing as a Mom and So Are You..... So There!

Last weekend was Mother's Day and it was one of the best Mother's Day I've had. Why? Because I was not only spending it with the three that make me a mom but I was also spending the day with my own mom. It was a rainy Mother's Day but we enjoyed every minute of it.

This week I have thought about Mother's Day a lot and how every mom is different and how every mom is a failure. For instance:

* I rock my babies to sleep until they don't want to be rocked anymore. You lay them in their crib until they fall asleep.
* I pick mine up the moment they cry. You let them cry 5 more minutes to see if they can work it out.
* My kids have/are all sleeping with us. You would never co-sleep with your kids.
* I have forgotten to feed my kids lunch or dinner. You have a three course meal packed with you every where you go.
* I sometimes can't remember when they last bathed. You bathe yours after every meal.
* I let my three year old drink Dr. Pepper. You would have your 3 year old's stomach pumped if he took a sip of that poison.
* I sometimes let my kids stay up late. You will beat yourself up if they are not in bed on the dot at 7:00.
* My kids sometimes have to drink out of resourceful items because I haven't done the dishes in days and there is nothing, literally nothing clean. You don't even allow a fork to lay in your sink for more than 1 minute.

I really could make this list a mile long and still we would all be failures. Failures in someone else's eyes. It doesn't matter how hard you try, how perfect you think you are doing things, someone is going to find something wrong with you. But guess what?? They see the small things. What they don't see:

*They don't see you giving your last bite of chocolate cake to the little face smiling so big at you because they want the last bite.
* They don't see you when you are up all night with a sick baby walking the floor, driving in the car, doing what you can to make them feel better.
* They don't hear the countless prayers you pray over your babies day and night.
* They don't see the tear you shed when your baby doesn't get invited to a sleep over or doesn't get picked on the playground to be played with.
* They don't see you in the car out of your baby's sight, watching to make sure they make it in the school doors because today they decided they were big enough to do it on their own.
* They don't know that McDonald's is what you could afford to do something "special" for your kiddos even though it may not be the healthiest. But hey, after all, you did lose your job and things have been tough.
* They don't see you reading a book at night before their bedtime when really you just like to be asleep yourself because you've worked a 12 hour shift just to make it for the month.

And again, this list could go on. People will always find a way to make you feel like a failure BUT YOU'RE NOT! Just because we don't parent exactly alike and do things exactly the same way, that doesn't make us bad mommies. It makes us great mommies! How boring would this world be if everyone had the same personalities??

You are a great mom! What defines a great mom? I don't know really. All I know is at the end of the day if I have done my very best and loved my three boys the best I can, then I have succeeded. When I see those three smiling faces I know I must have done something right. We will make mistakes everyday and wish we would have done things differently but that doesn't mean we've failed. Tomorrow we do better. We try something new.

Stop comparing yourself to the mom next door. She's next door. Trust me, she makes her own mistakes. They are probably different than yours, but she makes them. She does.

You can't fail when you love. And as moms, we love our kids until it hurts.

Big Change for Our Family of 5! A New Perspective...

First let me give a shout out to our newest little member Jaxson Cole! He came 2 weeks early on March 9th. 8lbs 1oz-20 1/4 in long. He's absolutely perfect and growing way too fast.

So, as it says, a big change has happened for our family. All within a couple of weeks, one of those weeks being the week Jaxson was born, Nick was offered a new job. He will now be the High School minister at our church. (The Avenue Church) Thanks J. Burns for the picture. He has been with Life School for 8 years and I know he will miss co-workers and coaching but he knows God has a bigger plan.

Everyone kept congratulating me and how they were excited about Nick and his new position. And then they would ask, "Are you so excited?" "I'm getting there" I would reply. I was getting there but no, no I wasn't excited. For all you holy people, just stop reading now or you are going to be in your prayer closet all night praying for me because I know you can't handle the next few sentences. No I wasn't excited. I was scared. I was frustrated. I just had a baby. I don't need another big change right now. We are finally on the same school schedule where we both have summers off and our weeks off at holidays. I didn't want a change. I wanted my perfect world. We are in a stable place financially now. I don't need that to change. I have thought about vacations for the next year. Now all of my plans were going to change. 

Well then, a couple of Sundays ago, Pastor David preached about changing our perspective. I tried to download the video but to no avail did it work. If you want to hear the whole sermon, go to theavenuechurch.com, media, on demand, The Hour of Darkness (March 29th). Pastor David's words went a little something like this, "We gotta get a new perspective when God enters in through our lives. Because when God enters in, we gotta live not by how we feel but in faith. We gotta believe that God has a bigger plan, that God loves us and that he is going to take care of us. And He sees the picture in a way we don't. We've got to change our perspective. When we allow Jesus to enter our life, that perspective has to change."  Well alrighty God. Thank you for hitting me in the head on this wonderful Sunday morning. I was thinking about vacations and time off together (which is still important to me) and how it affected me. I wasn't thinking about the student who may come in on a Wednesday night and Nick is the only one who can get through to him about the Love Jesus has for him. I wasn't thinking about how these students need us (Nick) and how God obviously has a plan for our lives to minister to these students right now. I wasn't thinking of how we could help change lives. My perspective had to change. Now that's real talk. 

God's ways and plans are far more than we could ever imagine. You know how God speaks to people, like directly? Well, he usually speaks to me through a song or some weird event. When he speaks to me through a song, I know something is about to happen. I don't just sing it all day long but I pray through it. It probably doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me. Last year, I heard Oceans for the first time and the line "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" stuck with me. I prayed and prayed for that to happen. I became a computer teacher. What the what?? Computers?? That's Nick's job not mine. I want to teach Kinder. Once again, I was trusting and I'm so glad I did. And now, these past few months, I hear the song, You Make Me Brave. If you've never heard it, look it up.  Anyhoo, these words just kept sticking with me and so I started praying through them. 

You make me brave

You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

See, I thought it was due to the fact our perfect little boy was about to be born and for some reason God was preparing me to be brave for this delivery. Now, now I know. He was making me brave for one of the biggest changes for our family because he already knew I would freak out. He knows me so well. I need to be brave in the fact that God knew the change to our finances. He's going to take care of us. Ways I never imagined. Our time as a family is important to God. He will give us the time we need together. God is for us, He is not against us. 

So just to let you know, as my perspective has changed, so has my attitude. I'm excited for our family. I'm excited to see the things God has planned for these students and how he will use Nick to reach them. I'm excited to be welcomed by another group of church family. I'm excited to know that God has a lot more planned than I could ever imagine. I'm excited to be a part of an amazing church and am so glad God chose us for such a time as this.  

A Message to Stay At Home Moms

Now that I have your attention, cause let's face it, it's all about judging another mom for her decisions, right? No? Oh, cause really, that's what I feel like I read about all the time. Mom's judging mom's. Over the last couple of months I have read a few articles even some facebook posts from SAHM and their opinions. I never comment on them. I never blast my opinion about them. Because in reality, they are right. They work hard. And if anyone ever says differently, then I challenge you to stay home for a few days with your kid/s and see just what a SAHM does. They don't just play all day and pin on pinterest, they don't stay on FB all day, remember, they have a little one they have to take care of.

Now, with that being said, I am about to tell you how I really feel. And let me follow that with this, I am not writing this for you to say Preach it or feel sorry for me, tell me I'm a good mom (I know I am), really, I don't want a debate of any kind, I just want to tell you for once how I feel.

SAHMs, just like I said, if anyone ever says you don't work hard, you have the right to punch them in the throat. But let me share this with you from a mom who works outside the home. For me as a working mom, IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO WORKS HARDER. We both work hard. My day starts at 5:30 and ends somewhere at 10:30 that night. I get my kids ready for school, make lunches, go to work, teach other peoples kids, go to meetings after school, pick up my kids from school, go home try and not fall asleep because now my kids need my attention, make supper, let's face it... the house probably won't be cleaned tonight and then I try and find time to give my husband some attention. Who by the way coaches, so if he has a game that night, we drive 45 minutes to an hour some nights just so we can spend time with him. But again, it's not about who works harder. I just wanted to share all of that because you always seem to share how hard you work.

This is what it is for me. It's leaving my kids in the care of someone else whereas you get to stay home with yours. You see, when I drop my little one off and he clings to my leg crying for me not to leave him and I'm looking at him telling him I'll be back soon, fighting back the tears and I have the teacher peel him off my leg...you don't have to do that. Please be thankful.

You never have to hear, well why did you have kids if you were just going to have someone else take care of them? Please be thankful. That cuts like a knife deep down.

And now, now he loves his daycare teacher and she's all he can talk about. He asks to see her all the time, wants to tell her when he scrapes his knee. And I think, I'm your mom, I should be with you for the majority of the day but that's not an option for our family right now. Please be thankful.

 I don't always get to see or hear their firsts but the daycare worker does and chances are, you get to see and hear your little ones firsts because you're there with them. Please be thankful.

You get to spend all day playing (if you choose too. yes I know that's not all you do) hanging out making memories, I'm making sure that the 3 hours I have with them before they go to bed is enough for them to know how much I love them and I don't work because I want to but because that's what's best for our family. Please be thankful.

Remember, I stayed at home with Lawson. But I also took care of 5 other little ones just so I could stay home and it still wasn't enough. Me staying home is just not in our budget right now. We have made changes and cut things and I'm still working. And for the love of all that is good and golden, if you message me and tell me that if I would try selling this product or that product and I would be able to stay home, I will hunt you down and I will punch you in the throat.

So see, when you complain all the time about staying home and how hard it is..... I don't feel sorry for you. Because to me, it's not about how hard you work (and you do) it's about you being home with your kids and I'm not. I'll be the first to say it. I'm jealous. Everything within me wants to cuss you out and throw a fit but I won't. Honestly, because deeper down than the jealousy, I am actually happy that you get this time with your kiddos. It's precious. It's awesome that you get to see everything first hand. All I'm asking is that the next time you post something or say something mean to a mom who works outside of her home to help her family financially, that you would stop and think, I'm sure she wishes she could stay home but she can't so maybe I can just whisper a prayer for her. Maybe you could actually say something like, you're doing a good job. Or, I'm beyond thankful I get to stay home with my kids because I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave them everyday.

I'm so thankful for these past two "ice" days we've had. Two days I got to spend at home with my boys. It doesn't have to be about who's a better mom..... we both are doing what is best for our family's. We would walk through fire whether we are at home or at work for those we love.

Independent Little People

Independent...... Why is it so hard to let our little people be independent? For some, it may be the pure fact that we are control freaks or for some maybe it's that we just don't want them to grow up. Whatever it is, we have to let them have some independence at some point.

Malachi makes his own waffle in the toaster, no big deal. He puts his own corn dog in the microwave, no big deal. However, when he asked if he could get a cup and pour his own chocolate milk, I had a mild panic attack. I immediately said no and he replied, mommy, I can do it. I of course was thinking, no you can't, your too little, you will spill it. And then I realized, my kids are never going to learn how to do anything because I won't let them. I finally said ok, get you a cup and get some milk but take it to the table so it will be lower and easier to pour. I just couldn't let go of the fact that he might spill it the first time he tried pouring it on his own. I couldn't let go of the fact that I might have to get up and help clean up.

I watched his every move. He picked the biggest glass we had, got the milk out of the fridge, walked over to the table and proceeded to pour. He tilted the jug and the milk came rushing out. I yelled, ok that's enough! He looked at me with a big smile on his face and said see mom, I told you I could do it and he did. Not one drop of milk was spilled. And even if he did spill it, would that be the end of the world? Of course not. He was trying something new on his own. He didn't fail at pouring his milk, but the next time he tries something new on his own he may fail and that's ok. That's how they learn. That's how we learn. We try something new and we fail. We try it again until we get it right.

Lawson wanted to put jelly on his own biscuit. Like literally got the spoon and the jelly and asked me to open it. I kept saying, no mommy will do it, but he was so adamant about doing it himself, so I let him. I cut the biscuit open for him and let him get his jelly. Yes, I helped guide him a little but for the most part he did it all by himself and boy was he proud too. What was I afraid of? Him getting sticky and getting the counter all messy. Oh my, end of the world scenario.

I know there are certain things that they will want to do on their own that simply isn't going to happen because in fact, they are too little. But when it comes down to it, there is so much more that we can let them do. We learn through our mistakes so why not let them.

This is so much easier for me to type than actually do but it is something I want to really work on this year. I don't want them to adapt a mindset that they can't do anything and constantly rely on someone else to do it for them. I want them to learn that they are going to make mistakes and that everything they attempt may not pan out the first time. But that is no reason to give up, you gotta keep trying. I want them to learn to be independent. They'll still need me, I've just gotta learn to loosen up that leash a little.

Are you sad? That is the Big Question

Nick did not want to find out what we were having. I told him I had to know and of course everyone else was going to want to know. And if he could find a way not to find out then I was all for it. I would wait until the baby was born for him to find out. Impossible. I couldn't keep it a secret anyway. I like shopping and talking too much about the baby. My friend Destinee had agreed to go to my appointment with me. She was going to take the sono picture with the gender on it, go buy a gift for the boys to open with all of us together. Well last minute, we decided to invite our friends over so they could share in the excitement with us. It was such a fun time to spend with friends.

Oh the anticipation while waiting for everyone to get there. I was trying to be casual and cool but on the inside I was like a kid in the candy store. And then, it was time. Everyone had arrived and to the backyard we headed. Destinee thought the boys would enjoy spraying silly string everywhere and she was right, they loved it. So the time came to spray and they did and the silly string was white. White? I kept thinking, is this going to turn a brighter color after so many seconds. They kept spraying and we kept looking, kinda confused. And then we could see it. A light blue was coming out of the cans, not white. It was not going to turn pink any time soon. No matter how hard I thought or how many times I clicked my heels, it was not going to turn from blue to pink. It.was.a.boy.

I tried my hardest to smile and be happy and I was because hello, I'm being blessed by another baby. But this baby was not the girl I had hoped for. Dreamed of. Longed for. I wanted to just bend over and cry. No need in me lying about it, God already knew the outcome and he already knew how I would feel. But, for the sake of the people standing before me, I smiled, I carried on, I laughed and I held back the tears. The little girl I had always wanted was now my baby boy.

I cried that night after everyone left, away from my husband even. I even asked, Why doesn't God want me to have a little girl? I couldn't think of a very good reason honestly. I wanted to buy big bows just like everyone else with a girl. I wanted to buy frilly fun clothes and watch her dance recitals too. I couldn't think of the why because I could only think of the now. God was looking at the bigger picture and already had plans for this little boy and he chose me to help him fulfill them.

Oh I'm sorry, you just can't believe that I wouldn't be happy? You can't believe I wanted to cry even though I was still having a wonderful little blessing? Well, I'm sorry then that I'm a little more human than you. Have you never wanted something so bad and when you didn't get it, your heart fell to the ground? Have you prayed for something you thought would be wonderful and the Lord had different plans than yours? No? Interesting.

Yes I was sad. Yes I cried. Yes I asked why. And yes I woke up the next day still thinking, I'm having another boy not a girl. I got to work that day and told someone it was boy and their words....that's terrible. No little girl huh? And then....it all changed. I could feel my face get red and my body heated up and out came the claws. I said, no it's not terrible. I am a boy mom. I love having boys. And now, I have been blessed with one more. And that's when I knew... I was born to be a mom of boys. I felt it. I didn't think about that he could have been a girl but he was a boy. No, I thought about how if you say that about my son again, I'll punch you in the face. (Let me also say, this person knew I really wanted a girl so I know their intentions were good, it just came out wrong. They meant well and was trying to make me feel better but....)

I'm now a mom to 3 boys and I couldn't be happier. God gave me what I needed, not what I wanted. I don't know how our lives will play out but I can't wait to see what these three amazing little boys do in the future. Now we live with the anticipation of meeting him. Who will he look like? What will his name be? (No, we don't have one picked out.) I love picturing myself wearing three different numbers for three different little athletes. And who knows, this one may not care about sports. The anticipation of his little personality makes me heart smile.

In 5 more months we will  meet one of the 3 most wonderful little boys in the world. I can't wait to hold him and help raise him to be the man God wants him to be.

Thank you all for the congratulations and the kind words. Please pray for him and that he would be a healthy baby boy.

Sidenote: To my future DILs, please know, I am going to pick you a part, background check you, watch you like a hawk.  Hurt one of my boys. Go on, I dare you. :) Kidding. I'm kidding.

Our Month of September

We have finally made it to October! Not so keen on the weather (thankfully its still warm) but I do love decorating for fall. I HATE anything with a pumpkin taste. Weird? Non-American? Don't care. Yuck Yuck Yuck. I do however love the taste of caramel apples, the smell of smoke coming from a chimney, college football, bonfires and hayrides (although, they don't seem to do those here much)...... And I must add, I HATE cold weather. Hate hate hate

Anywayyy, the month of September has been none too exciting. Why? Because I spent more than my share of time sick in the bed. As if morning sickness wasn't enough, I caught that dang stomach bug and I'm pretty sure it had me knocking at deaths doors. Awful. It was absolutely awful. Even when I finally kicked it, I still had/have morning sickness. Mostly right in the middle of the day, sometimes at night...the point, I still have it!!! So over it. Thanks to my co-worker who gave me some zofran, those little pills work tremendously. I never took anything with the boys because the sickness didn't last that long and it was never this bad so I caved and I am so glad I did. Everyone keeps saying, "You know what that means? It's a girl." I really really want that to be true and believe them but I also no there is a 50/50 chance he's a boy. Which I will be ok with. After all, I know what I'm doing with boys and who doesn't want to be the most protected woman in the country? ;) Nick has been a pure saint during this sickness. He has not complained (to my face at least) about me laying around 24/7 and he has, as always, takes great care of the boys. I couldn't ask for a better husband.

Malachi loves talking about the baby. He gets real excited and tends to pat my stomach a little hard at times. lol I can't wait for him to feel the baby move. He's doing great in school and loving playing soccer. He loves all sports actually. Lawson is doing good at his "school." He loves his teacher which is a big help knowing I'm leaving him with someone else. I don't think he still quite understands I have a baby in my belly but I know he will be excited once he/she gets here. He's wanting to play sports now which makes his daddy happy. Only one of those is football.......ay yi yi.

We also had our Be the Church September 28th. It is absolutely one of my most favorite days of the year. I love helping someone in our community. And then going back to the church that evening for food, fellowship and worship....well, it doesn't get much better than that. There's just something I love about having worship service outside.

16 Weeks Today

Can't wait to find out what this little human is...........Come on October 22nd!!!

Our First Week of School.....

Last week was our first ever......first week of kindergarten and my first week of teaching. I'm happy to report, WE ARE STILL ALIVE!! I have had two babies, woke up every two hours for feedings, still get woke up every night but never in my life have I been more tired than when I finished my first week of teaching. Was that a for real situation?!?!  Walking kids to their car for an hour in 98 degree weather just took the icing right off the cake. Every night I would come home and all but die. My body was here and breathing but my mind was in a land of zzzzzzz's. I felt so bad for the boys because they of course wanted to play but I literally couldn't move. When I would wake up in the morning, my calves felt like I had been to boot camp the night before. I would just pray, please don't let me get a charlie horse in the middle of class. :) All in all though it was a great first week. I had so much support from my co-workers. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with.

Malachi is absolutely loving it kindergarten! He loves his teacher, especially the treasure chest they get to pick from on Fridays. ;) He usually gets him in a good little nap between school and home in the evenings. Wiped out. I'm so thankful that I am able to see him during the day. Even just the little things like when I walked by he was using the teacher pointer and "teaching" the class. He was really just the helper. But I loved that I get to witness these first memories of him in school. (Did I mention before he even started school he asked for a pointer for his birthday??)

Lawson had a great first week in the 3's class. He had a new teacher but seems to be doing ok with her. Nick said he had a great first week too. He's an old pro at this teaching thing so he came home and was an actual living and moving human being. :)

I'm looking forward to a great year and a lot of growing!!!