SAY SOMETHING

Here I am once again writing about a topic that I just don’t understand how it keeps happening. Racism. In the last two weeks, three black individuals that we know of, have been killed because of the color of their skin. As I sit here, I ask the question, what is it that white people don’t like about the color of my husband’s skin? What is it that drives the hate behind the mask? I say mask, because many of our friends are kind and loving to our family because they know Nick. They know he’s a good guy. (You are right, you have heard this before. Unfortunately, you are doing nothing about it.) Anyway, there is a mask that rests on your face of I know him so I know he’s good vs the man being murdered on the video must have done something first.

The videos circle of another black individual being killed and the first thing you say is, “There must be more to the story.” Or maybe you say, “He/she must have done something. They wouldn’t just kill him.” Then you begin to dig. You search and search for something that will pop up from their past so that you can breathe a sigh of relief for your feelings of “They must have done something wrong and look here, I found this. 5 years ago he was arrested for_______. You fill in the blank since it’s your justification.” You push back and you fight because maybe, just maybe they actually did nothing wrong and this is another cruel and evil act of a white person using what they believe is their superiority over someone they see as less than them because of the color of their skin.

Stop saying white people. We are not all racists. I’m so tired of headlines reading White man kills black man. White officer kills black man. White White White. Well flip it around then and think about how it must feel to be on the other end of it ALWAYS being a black person that is the one being killed. Black man shot running. Black woman shot sleeping. Black man shot in his recliner. Black Black Black. This is what makes you uncomfortable. This is what makes you look the other way. These are the conversations that are hard because this is what is going to continue to happen until WHITE people get over their sense of being superior, their feeling of “I don’t know what to do or say.” SAY SOMETHING. Read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Do some research. Yes I am saying to have the hard conversations with your black friends but don’t rely on them to do all the work for you. I have never heard something more true than when Pastor Steven Ivey said, “I am sick and tired of your Facebook messages and text messages that privately affirm me and my skin but don’t stand for me at your dinner table, in the marketplace, or in the front of law and policy makers.”

Yes, I want you to stand beside me and my family. I want you to love my husband and my boys but I also want you to love my friend’s son Josiah, our friend’s daughter Lucy, our friends Dustin and Cortez, my in-laws and extended family. You see, you don’t know those individuals and because you don’t know them, you can’t trust them or at least this is what you have led yourself to believe. I don’t just want my family to grow up with people standing for them, I want every black person that has breath to be awarded the same dignity and respect that you would give my family. Not because you know them but simply because they are human.

We have gotten away from the love that we so often preach about. “Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:31) I would say we do love like this as long as the person looks like us and believes the way we do and we do it well, but that is not what the verse says. It says to love your neighbor. To my knowledge, there is no adjective in front of the word neighbor. It does not say love your white neighbor, your black neighbor, your skinny neighbor, your stay at home mom neighbor, your rich neighbor, etc. It simply says, your neighbor meaning EVERYONE and yet, we still do not do this.

People will ask us, how can we help? What can we do? My husband and I will look at each other sometimes blankly because the easy answer is, just love everyone.  Of course we know this isn’t going to happen so we say this. Have the hard conversations. Talk to your kids. Invite people into your home that do not look like you and share life stories. When they share, listen. Be the example of the change you want to see. I don’t always know what to say because it is hard and I don’t have all the answers but I can say something. I can share stories. I can share what I know and what I hear my husband say. I listen to other peoples stories and I can learn from their experiences. I can be a voice and not stay silent.

These words are not enough. They don’t even scratch the surface of what is going on around us. I can’t adequately describe the injustice that is happening to black individuals on a daily basis. Black people do not need our help simply because they are black but because they are human. They took their first breath the same way that you and I did but far too often their last breath is never in the same way that we will take ours.  

Dear Friends: Promise Me You Will Read the Whole Thing

For all my friends that know me well know that I hate confrontation and arguments. I would rather just do what needs to be done and avoid it at all costs. But, for the last two nights, when my husband has fallen asleep, I have gone to the bathroom and cried. I have cried over the loss of a man that I didn't even know. I have cried because there is a fear inside of me that wonders if someday this could be my husband or one of my three sons. PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

This is not a post about white cops killing black people so please just keep reading. This is a post about a wife and a mother wanting you desperately to understand the world we are living in and the reason we react to certain news stories the way we do. In fear.

When I met Nick, I met a funny, smart, incredibly good looking man. A black man. A black man that became my husband and the father of my three amazing boys. He and my boys did not get to choose what color of skin they have. God did that. And since God is the perfector of all things, I would say their skin is just perfect. Imagine if you had a son/daughter born with down syndrome, mental retardation, born without an arm or a leg, etc, imagine if one of my boys or me and my husband made a joke about them? Remember now, it was only a joke. It would anger you to the core. It would hurt every fiber in your being. Why? Because they didn't choose this disability. They are your son/daughter and you love them no matter what. So imagine when you make a joke to me or my husband about a black stereotype. "Oh Nick doesn't like watermelon. I thought all black people do."It hurts. It's not funny. You may see us laugh it off and shake our head, why? Because if we say anything to you about it, you become defensive and say Oh I was just joking. It was just a joke. It's just a joke to you but your joke is part of the problem.  PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

Two weeks ago my husband and I were in Walmart. He saw the lady watching him the whole time. We were in the self-checkout. We rang everything up, checked out and left. She was still watching him. We are almost to the door and the cashier comes running to us. "A customer didn't see you scan the two air mattresses. Can I check your receipt?" (A customer?) Yes mam, here it is. "Oh there it is. Sometimes things just don't show up. I didn't see you ring it up." Wait, you first said a customer. Now you say it doesn't always show up. Now you say it was you that didn't see it. See, I know what you are thinking friends, we are making it a race thing. We have had plenty encounters to know when he is being targeted for race and when he is not. So please, don't try and dumb this down to being nothing. That is part of the problem.

Let me ask you a few questions: Have you ever had your 3 year old nephew come home upset because his white friend said he didn't want to play with him because he was black? (Explain that to a 3 year old) Have you ever ridden with your husband through a town where the KKK is still active and fear grips his face because he is just praying we make it through there without breaking down and before it gets dark? Have you ever had someone in the store ask you, "Oh is he yours?" talking about my son. Have you ever had anyone ask you, "Oh, where is she from?" talking about my niece because they thought she was adopted. Have you ever been asked if you are still with THE daddy because you couldn't possibly have the same dad for all three boys and still be with him. Have you ever gone to school to get your Bachelor's degree and people just assume you are there to play sports? My husband did not go to college to play sports. He went to further his education.

I hear what you are saying. Trust me. I know you know us. I know you know what kind of man Nick is and how we are raising our boys but society doesn't. Not everyone sees him as a well educated black man. A black man who was a coach, a middle school teacher and now a High School Youth Minister. Not everyone will see the big heart he has, the hard worker that he is, the compassion that he feels for those in need. They will only see him as a black man. Someone they need to watch closely. We are raising three boys to the best of our ability. God fearing, respectable, hard working, compassionate, kind to everyone. We can do that. We can pray for their protection and pray that they always follow God's heart. We also have to prepare them for the way they will be treated because of the color of their skin. Their skin. Something they did not choose. PROMISE ME YOU WILL KEEP READING.

We always hear that it takes a village to raise our kids and we do. But I need to know that my village is not part of the problem. I need to know that you don't dismiss every story you hear because "people are just playing the race card again." I need to know that you are teaching your kids to love everyone despite their skin color, how much money they have, what kind of car they drive, etc. I need to know that when you pick up my baby that you don't see him as the cutest mixed baby (because apparently all mixed babies are the cutest which just isn't true) but as world changer. I need to know that if someone is being mean to my kid because of the color of their skin that you will have the guts to stand up to them. I need to know that you want to see this world change from the hate that is in it to a world where people are loved not because of the color of their skin but because they are a human being.

And here is where I need you to PROMISE TO KEEP READING because this is where I'll just be real honest. Don't you DARE tell me I shouldn't fear for my husband and sons because it will never happen to them. Don't you DARE tell me that it's different because my husband is not a "thug" and he acts right. Do you know how many people have "acted right" and still been killed? Don't you DARE tell me to sit and talk with an officer about all the crap they have gone through until you have set with my family about all the crap we (including my in-laws) have gone through. (This happened this morning.)

You see, this is not a cop vs black people problem. It is a society as a whole problem. We don't want to acknowledge it unless it affects us directly. I have told stories of things that have happened to me and my husband and people act shocked. "No, not here. Not in our town. I just can't believe that would happen. It must have been a misunderstanding." This is part of the problem. You don't want to see it. You would rather keep your blinders on and hope that someone else fixes the problem.

As a wife and mother, I try not to fear anything for my family. I pray and I try my hardest to trust God in everything. This is what I do know. My family loves the Lord with all their heart. We will serve him despite the news reports. We will serve him no matter how we are treated. We will tell the good news to those who need to hear it. We will raise our boys to be God-fearing men. We will love those who love us and love those who hate us. Will you join us? Will you love no matter what? Will you seek to help those no matter the color of their skin? Will you get out of your comfort zone and try and understand someone else's footsteps who are not like you? Will you be part of the change?

It's Going To Be More Than You Can Handle

I don't know what the IT is in your life but IT is going to be more than you can handle. I know, you've been told that "God will never give us more than we can bear." Here's the truth to that... It's not true. You won't find it in the Bible. You might possibly find it on a Pinterest poster under amazing quotes but it's simply not true. People often relate 1 Corinthians 10:13 to this phrase. Paul was writing about temptation not suffering.  I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm even more sorry that someone has told this very phrase to you. You're probably thinking how could you possibly be this strong Christian, letting this circumstance way you down because you should be able to handle it. That's because you are human. That's because you need God more than ever before.

If we could handle everything, there would be no need for our faith in Him. Do you honestly think losing a child is bearable? Do you think seeing your spouse suffer and die from cancer is bearable? I can't imagine. These things are unbearable BUT with the hope and trust in God that his promise to never leave nor forsake us is what is going to carry you through. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." This is your HOPE!!

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Psalm 23:4 When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

You are in the toughest battle of your life right now but God is not surprised. You don't think you can handle anymore...You can't without Him. Lean on him. Trust in Him. He can carry you through. It's not going to be easy but by the Grace of God you will overcome. 

So the next time someone tells you, he will never give you more than you can bear, throat punch them (or call me and I'll do it.) Or, simply say, Your wrong. I can't bear this but I know God won't leave me alone to do it by myself. He is with me ALWAYS. 

Teachers Care

Hey mom and dad I know you are frustrated. You feel like your child's teacher doesn't like them. You feel like the school is against them. All you want is for your child to get a good education. All you want is for his/her teacher to teach them, everything. It can be hard leaving your precious cargo in the hands of someone else for 7+ hours a day. (I get it. I have a son in school too.)

You see, as a teacher, we don't just have your child. We have an entire classroom full of someone's babies. We have to make sure that every student in that classroom is well taken care of and getting the education that they need. It is our duty. It is our job. It is also our calling.

I understand you are frustrated and are now sending me an email every 3 hours because I wouldn't help your sweet boy tie his shoe. After all, you did say it was my job to teach him that skill and I did. What you don't know is for 3 months we sat at recess and went over and over "Over under around the tree..." and one day he finally got it!! I was so proud of him. I even let him get a prize from the treasure box. So when he asked me to help him tie his shoe, I told him no, you can do it now.

I understand that you are frustrated because your daughter came home and told you I wouldn't let her turn in her work. I get it that would frustrate me too. But see, I have been asking her for her work since last Friday and she kept telling me she would turn it in. Now it's past due and no, I wouldn't accept it. Remember when you told me it was my job to teach her to be responsible?

As teachers, we are constantly told that we are responsible for the way children act, what they learn, let's be honest, we are responsible for making sure they eat their lunch. It's not a fairyland here at school. No. Sometimes it's just the opposite. We are hit, kicked, cussed at, lied about, belittled, etc and still, we come back, every single day. We come back because we care.

We really do care about your child. We care so much that sometimes we take our own money to buy them lunch because you forgot to pack one. We buy them a coat when we see they are wearing short sleeves in 32 degree weather. We stay after school and tutor them to make sure they don't fall behind in Math and Reading. We sometimes neglect our own families because we are preparing the next day for your child. We see your child with great potential and that's why we expect the best from them.

So mom and dad, please remember when you are ready to beat down our door in anger, we have cared for your child in ways you can't imagine. Your child has disrespected us in ways you don't want to admit. But still, we love them and we will continue to teach them not just because it's our job but because we care. So if you want to do something, pray for us. Pray for wisdom that we can give each child in our class what he/she needs. Pray for strength. That when the days are tough we are tougher. Pray for understanding. Pray that we understand exactly what it is that your child needs. Pray for our safety. We never know what might enter our classroom. Pray for rest. Just because we go home and lay our heads down doesn't mean we are not thinking about the little boy who just lost his dad or the little girl who always wears shoes with holes in them. We are by no means perfect and we will/do make mistakes. But if we work together as a team we can make a difference in your child's life. We are in this together.

It's Not About the Decorations

Saturday we celebrated Malachi's 7th birthday soccer style. He had a great time at his first all "boy" party along with his sweet friend Maryn. All boy party.....growing up too fast. I'm sure it won't be the last and I'm sure it won't be long before it will be boys and girls again. 

For starters, I semi forgot the party was this weekend. I mean, I didn't realize it was this close. I thought I still had one more week to plan. And the lie detector test shows that was a lie. 3 days. 3 days is what I had to get things in order. Cookie cakes. I had not ordered cookie cakes and I did not think to order them until Friday. I went in to HEB and asked if they could do two cookie cakes for the following day. She said yes. Whew. Thank you Lord. I told her I wanted soccer balls and them to say Happy Birthday Malachi. Saturday arrives. I go to pick up said cookie cakes and she only has one. I say, I asked for two. She had written down soccer balls but not the quantity. She was super sorry and said she could make one real quick. I smiled and said, don't worry about it. They all taste the same anyway. I walked over, looked at the pre-made cookie cakes and here were my choices: purple and pink flowers or a Christmas tree. The decision wasn't hard. Christmas tree it was. So, these were the cookie cakes that were displayed at the party. 

I'm sure you're thinking no big deal, they are just cookie cakes and they are. But, had this been 6 years ago, 2 years ago, I would have been a raging mad woman. First, the fact that I didn't order in time. Second, because she got them wrong!! What were people going to think? A Christmas tree certainly doesn't match the theme of the party. How embarrassing! There's no way I would have taken a Christmas tree to the party. The FC Dallas cake, yeah, I wrote on that myself. It was just a generic cake until Malachi said, "What about my FC Dallas cookie cake?" Problem solved. I will write on it myself. Crooked. Small. Sloppy. Guess what? He didn't care. He was just happy that it said FC Dallas. 

You see, I use too panic over these parties. Everything had to be perfect. Decorations had to be great. I love decorating and making things for parties. Still do. I never spend a lot of money because I like to make them myself. But I admit, I become a total mad woman until the party starts. Until I realized, no one but me cares about the decorations. No one has ever said oh that looks amazing. Or, ugh, why did you hang that up. Nope. No one cares. Not even the birthday boy himself. Sure, he has his opinions and suggestions on what he wants but me not having that exact decoration has never, not once, spoiled the party for him. Just me. I was the one that would throw a fit. I was the one that would think people would be judging me, until now. 

This year, I just smiled and laughed. Cookie cakes, wrong. So what. They will still taste the same. (Although the soccer ball did have a massive amount of icing.) Thank you gifts for the guests. Well, I tried to make this super cool popcorn with white chocolate and oreos that make it look soccerish in the bag...fail. Now, I have nothing. All well. I'll just get something else. Unless you are my husband, you probably don't understand how big of a deal this is for me. I seriously just went with the flow of the day. 

The moment I realized that all of this didn't really matter... At the end of the party when everyone was getting ready to leave, I turned just in time to see Malachi hop up on this table. Picture it with me. You know how you run and turn to hop up on something without using your hands...this is what he did. And then, he looked at me and smiled. It was a smile I hadn't seen before. Or maybe a smile I hadn't noticed because I was so consumed with myself. It was a big boy smile. (and now I tear up again trying to write this) I smiled back with an overflowing heart realizing, he's growing up before my eyes. The decorations isn't what matters. It's him. He loved every minute of that party. So much he didn't even want to take time to open his gifts until he got home. He never even asked WHY he had a Christmas tree cookie cake. He didn't ask where the little soccer gift bags were. No, all he cared about were the friends that he just spent over an hour playing one of his favorite sports with. 

I'm not saying I won't decorate for any more parties. Hello, I still decorated a little. And I'm sure there will still be a few meltdowns (from me) but I finally get it. What matters most, is the person we are celebrating. As long as these three little people are happy, then my heart will also be happy. Take it from me. Don't make yourself so crazy that you don't even enjoy what's right in front of you. Make the moments count. It's so true what they say, they will be grown before we know it. 

A picture I snapped after our exchange of smile.

Just As I Was

Getting ready for church yesterday morning was a struggle. The baby was crying because he wanted to be held. I still needed to get ready. My 4 year old needed his hair combed. Yes, that is a chore within itself. I couldn't find the 4 year old any shoes. The baby is still crying. I'm trying to put on my makeup with one hand while holding him in the other. I go to the nursery to change his clothes and he just isn't cooperating. (Sometimes I think it would be easier to put lipstick on a snake than get a 7 month old dress.) Words are going through my head that are not appropriate for young viewers who may be reading or for those who are much holier than thou. I was mad. I was hot. My hair was in my face. It was kind of like a small nightmare. Finally I just said, What the heck do you want from me God? (lol, I love hearing you gasp.) I finally got all three of us in the car. Wait, I still have to go get formula so he will have some for the nursery. This was not in my plans. Insert more frustration. 

We finally make it to church. I smiled. I said good morning to those I met. I dropped my babies off with a "Have a good class. Mommy will be back in a little bit." I hugged friends I hadn't seen since last Sunday. I had my church face on while inside I was beyond frustrated. Church began and I believe it was the second song we sang Jesus I come. The end of the song says:

Thank You Jesus

Just as I am I come

Hallelujah

Oh what amazing love

This is all he wanted, for me to come just as I was. He already knew how I was feeling. He knew I was frustrated. He knew I would have rather stayed at home. He knew that I was hating saying good morning to all those chipper people. But He also knew all I had to do was come. He would do the rest. He didn't ask me to fix my attitude before I walked through the doors. He didn't ask me to put on a certain outfit before I walked through the doors. He didn't ask me to act a certain way once I got there. He just wanted me to come, just as I was. 

How often do we try and "fix" ourselves before we come to God so that He can really help us? God doesn't ask us to clean ourselves up before we come to him. (Although showering is highly recommended. Kidding) He asks us to come just as we are. He will clean us up spiritually. He will take our frustrations and fill them with joy. He will take our broken hearts and mend them back together. He will take what is dead and make it alive. (Great sermon David!) God already knows your heart you just have to come. 

Later that night when I was rocking our 7 month old to sleep, I began to sing Come to me you weary one, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Take me upon you. And I will give you rest.
I sat there and thought about how my morning went and how he wanted me just as I was. He wanted me. Just me. The good, the bad and the ugly. He wanted the frustrated me just as I was.

Don't think you've got to clean up before you come to him. He wants you just as you are. He'll do the cleaning himself. 

Grace

I have my fair share of moments of weakness. I'm tired. I get up early, go to work, come home, go back and forth to soccer practice, try and get everyone fed and bathed, baby boy requires constant attention, and finally it's time for bed. I sit down and in that moment, I look over my day and say thank you. Thank you Lord for the life you have blessed me with. 

Now I'm guessing I wasn't saying thank you at 5:30 in the morning when the alarm went off and I had just got to sleep because some certain little boy didn't want to sleep. I probably wasn't saying thank you when I was at work with a class full of screaming kids. I wasn't saying thank you when I was rushing everyone out the door to get to practice on time and then back home to eat and get ready for bed. No, I wasn't saying thank you and yet He still loves me. 

My kids. My kids are my world. He knocked my drink off and spilled it. Everywhere. I yelled at him. He wrote on the ceiling and the seat in the car. I was so mad. I just wanted 20 minutes of rest. His nap lasted 10. I fussed at him for not getting in the car fast enough. He's 4. I fussed at him because he couldn't find his shoes that I had put away. He's 6. And yet, they still love me. 

Parenting is no joke. Living a life that is pleasing to Christ is no joke. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days when you want to give up. There are days when you don't deserve another chance. There are days when you just can't see the end. There are days when the mistakes just keep coming. There are days when you question why. 

How is it even possible that we can live a life with all this "chaos" going on? Grace. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

As a mom, I beat myself up over the little things. Lawson didn't have a 3rd birthday party. (Yet he survived and doesn't even remember he didn't have one. Maybe one day he will when he asks to see pictures, but for now, he's good.) Malachi didn't have any camo to wear on camo day. How could I forget that??? I'm a horrible mom. Now he will be the only one not in camo. Really?? He wasn't the only one not in camo and he survived. Amazing. I've forgot to feed them lunch before, even dinner. Amazingly they are still alive. I hit Jaxson's head on the car seat the other day trying to get him out. How could I do that to my baby?? (He didn't even cry.)  

I told God if he would help me out of this situation (???) I would never do it again. I did it again. Awesome bible study!! I'm pumped up to read my devotion everyday. I won't ever miss a day again Lord. I'm committed to knowing more about you. I missed the next three days. God please just take this pain away and I promise to serve you with all that I have. I didn't sign up for that volunteer opportunity that he provided. 

It's just like the song says, "If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."  Stop thinking because of one mistake that God doesn't love you or your kids don't love you. Stop thinking that because you may have slipped up after being clean/sober for so long that that's the end. Stop thinking that because that mistake you made yesterday, or today, or 10 years ago will keep you from the love of God. Stop thinking that because you just wanted to sit on the couch by yourself for 10 minutes that your kids don't love you. Stop thinking that because you didn't feel like making cupcakes for the party and opted to get store bought that your kid will be mad at you forever. 

There is this unexplainable love and grace that is given to us everyday. Take it. Run with it. You matter more than yesterdays mistakes. You matter more than tomorrows struggles. You matter more than today's pain. I am daily reminding myself of this and so should you. 

I'm Failing as a Mom and So Are You..... So There!

Last weekend was Mother's Day and it was one of the best Mother's Day I've had. Why? Because I was not only spending it with the three that make me a mom but I was also spending the day with my own mom. It was a rainy Mother's Day but we enjoyed every minute of it.

This week I have thought about Mother's Day a lot and how every mom is different and how every mom is a failure. For instance:

* I rock my babies to sleep until they don't want to be rocked anymore. You lay them in their crib until they fall asleep.
* I pick mine up the moment they cry. You let them cry 5 more minutes to see if they can work it out.
* My kids have/are all sleeping with us. You would never co-sleep with your kids.
* I have forgotten to feed my kids lunch or dinner. You have a three course meal packed with you every where you go.
* I sometimes can't remember when they last bathed. You bathe yours after every meal.
* I let my three year old drink Dr. Pepper. You would have your 3 year old's stomach pumped if he took a sip of that poison.
* I sometimes let my kids stay up late. You will beat yourself up if they are not in bed on the dot at 7:00.
* My kids sometimes have to drink out of resourceful items because I haven't done the dishes in days and there is nothing, literally nothing clean. You don't even allow a fork to lay in your sink for more than 1 minute.

I really could make this list a mile long and still we would all be failures. Failures in someone else's eyes. It doesn't matter how hard you try, how perfect you think you are doing things, someone is going to find something wrong with you. But guess what?? They see the small things. What they don't see:

*They don't see you giving your last bite of chocolate cake to the little face smiling so big at you because they want the last bite.
* They don't see you when you are up all night with a sick baby walking the floor, driving in the car, doing what you can to make them feel better.
* They don't hear the countless prayers you pray over your babies day and night.
* They don't see the tear you shed when your baby doesn't get invited to a sleep over or doesn't get picked on the playground to be played with.
* They don't see you in the car out of your baby's sight, watching to make sure they make it in the school doors because today they decided they were big enough to do it on their own.
* They don't know that McDonald's is what you could afford to do something "special" for your kiddos even though it may not be the healthiest. But hey, after all, you did lose your job and things have been tough.
* They don't see you reading a book at night before their bedtime when really you just like to be asleep yourself because you've worked a 12 hour shift just to make it for the month.

And again, this list could go on. People will always find a way to make you feel like a failure BUT YOU'RE NOT! Just because we don't parent exactly alike and do things exactly the same way, that doesn't make us bad mommies. It makes us great mommies! How boring would this world be if everyone had the same personalities??

You are a great mom! What defines a great mom? I don't know really. All I know is at the end of the day if I have done my very best and loved my three boys the best I can, then I have succeeded. When I see those three smiling faces I know I must have done something right. We will make mistakes everyday and wish we would have done things differently but that doesn't mean we've failed. Tomorrow we do better. We try something new.

Stop comparing yourself to the mom next door. She's next door. Trust me, she makes her own mistakes. They are probably different than yours, but she makes them. She does.

You can't fail when you love. And as moms, we love our kids until it hurts.

Big Change for Our Family of 5! A New Perspective...

First let me give a shout out to our newest little member Jaxson Cole! He came 2 weeks early on March 9th. 8lbs 1oz-20 1/4 in long. He's absolutely perfect and growing way too fast.

So, as it says, a big change has happened for our family. All within a couple of weeks, one of those weeks being the week Jaxson was born, Nick was offered a new job. He will now be the High School minister at our church. (The Avenue Church) Thanks J. Burns for the picture. He has been with Life School for 8 years and I know he will miss co-workers and coaching but he knows God has a bigger plan.

Everyone kept congratulating me and how they were excited about Nick and his new position. And then they would ask, "Are you so excited?" "I'm getting there" I would reply. I was getting there but no, no I wasn't excited. For all you holy people, just stop reading now or you are going to be in your prayer closet all night praying for me because I know you can't handle the next few sentences. No I wasn't excited. I was scared. I was frustrated. I just had a baby. I don't need another big change right now. We are finally on the same school schedule where we both have summers off and our weeks off at holidays. I didn't want a change. I wanted my perfect world. We are in a stable place financially now. I don't need that to change. I have thought about vacations for the next year. Now all of my plans were going to change. 

Well then, a couple of Sundays ago, Pastor David preached about changing our perspective. I tried to download the video but to no avail did it work. If you want to hear the whole sermon, go to theavenuechurch.com, media, on demand, The Hour of Darkness (March 29th). Pastor David's words went a little something like this, "We gotta get a new perspective when God enters in through our lives. Because when God enters in, we gotta live not by how we feel but in faith. We gotta believe that God has a bigger plan, that God loves us and that he is going to take care of us. And He sees the picture in a way we don't. We've got to change our perspective. When we allow Jesus to enter our life, that perspective has to change."  Well alrighty God. Thank you for hitting me in the head on this wonderful Sunday morning. I was thinking about vacations and time off together (which is still important to me) and how it affected me. I wasn't thinking about the student who may come in on a Wednesday night and Nick is the only one who can get through to him about the Love Jesus has for him. I wasn't thinking about how these students need us (Nick) and how God obviously has a plan for our lives to minister to these students right now. I wasn't thinking of how we could help change lives. My perspective had to change. Now that's real talk. 

God's ways and plans are far more than we could ever imagine. You know how God speaks to people, like directly? Well, he usually speaks to me through a song or some weird event. When he speaks to me through a song, I know something is about to happen. I don't just sing it all day long but I pray through it. It probably doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me. Last year, I heard Oceans for the first time and the line "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" stuck with me. I prayed and prayed for that to happen. I became a computer teacher. What the what?? Computers?? That's Nick's job not mine. I want to teach Kinder. Once again, I was trusting and I'm so glad I did. And now, these past few months, I hear the song, You Make Me Brave. If you've never heard it, look it up.  Anyhoo, these words just kept sticking with me and so I started praying through them. 

You make me brave

You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

See, I thought it was due to the fact our perfect little boy was about to be born and for some reason God was preparing me to be brave for this delivery. Now, now I know. He was making me brave for one of the biggest changes for our family because he already knew I would freak out. He knows me so well. I need to be brave in the fact that God knew the change to our finances. He's going to take care of us. Ways I never imagined. Our time as a family is important to God. He will give us the time we need together. God is for us, He is not against us. 

So just to let you know, as my perspective has changed, so has my attitude. I'm excited for our family. I'm excited to see the things God has planned for these students and how he will use Nick to reach them. I'm excited to be welcomed by another group of church family. I'm excited to know that God has a lot more planned than I could ever imagine. I'm excited to be a part of an amazing church and am so glad God chose us for such a time as this.  

A Message to Stay At Home Moms

Now that I have your attention, cause let's face it, it's all about judging another mom for her decisions, right? No? Oh, cause really, that's what I feel like I read about all the time. Mom's judging mom's. Over the last couple of months I have read a few articles even some facebook posts from SAHM and their opinions. I never comment on them. I never blast my opinion about them. Because in reality, they are right. They work hard. And if anyone ever says differently, then I challenge you to stay home for a few days with your kid/s and see just what a SAHM does. They don't just play all day and pin on pinterest, they don't stay on FB all day, remember, they have a little one they have to take care of.

Now, with that being said, I am about to tell you how I really feel. And let me follow that with this, I am not writing this for you to say Preach it or feel sorry for me, tell me I'm a good mom (I know I am), really, I don't want a debate of any kind, I just want to tell you for once how I feel.

SAHMs, just like I said, if anyone ever says you don't work hard, you have the right to punch them in the throat. But let me share this with you from a mom who works outside the home. For me as a working mom, IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO WORKS HARDER. We both work hard. My day starts at 5:30 and ends somewhere at 10:30 that night. I get my kids ready for school, make lunches, go to work, teach other peoples kids, go to meetings after school, pick up my kids from school, go home try and not fall asleep because now my kids need my attention, make supper, let's face it... the house probably won't be cleaned tonight and then I try and find time to give my husband some attention. Who by the way coaches, so if he has a game that night, we drive 45 minutes to an hour some nights just so we can spend time with him. But again, it's not about who works harder. I just wanted to share all of that because you always seem to share how hard you work.

This is what it is for me. It's leaving my kids in the care of someone else whereas you get to stay home with yours. You see, when I drop my little one off and he clings to my leg crying for me not to leave him and I'm looking at him telling him I'll be back soon, fighting back the tears and I have the teacher peel him off my leg...you don't have to do that. Please be thankful.

You never have to hear, well why did you have kids if you were just going to have someone else take care of them? Please be thankful. That cuts like a knife deep down.

And now, now he loves his daycare teacher and she's all he can talk about. He asks to see her all the time, wants to tell her when he scrapes his knee. And I think, I'm your mom, I should be with you for the majority of the day but that's not an option for our family right now. Please be thankful.

 I don't always get to see or hear their firsts but the daycare worker does and chances are, you get to see and hear your little ones firsts because you're there with them. Please be thankful.

You get to spend all day playing (if you choose too. yes I know that's not all you do) hanging out making memories, I'm making sure that the 3 hours I have with them before they go to bed is enough for them to know how much I love them and I don't work because I want to but because that's what's best for our family. Please be thankful.

Remember, I stayed at home with Lawson. But I also took care of 5 other little ones just so I could stay home and it still wasn't enough. Me staying home is just not in our budget right now. We have made changes and cut things and I'm still working. And for the love of all that is good and golden, if you message me and tell me that if I would try selling this product or that product and I would be able to stay home, I will hunt you down and I will punch you in the throat.

So see, when you complain all the time about staying home and how hard it is..... I don't feel sorry for you. Because to me, it's not about how hard you work (and you do) it's about you being home with your kids and I'm not. I'll be the first to say it. I'm jealous. Everything within me wants to cuss you out and throw a fit but I won't. Honestly, because deeper down than the jealousy, I am actually happy that you get this time with your kiddos. It's precious. It's awesome that you get to see everything first hand. All I'm asking is that the next time you post something or say something mean to a mom who works outside of her home to help her family financially, that you would stop and think, I'm sure she wishes she could stay home but she can't so maybe I can just whisper a prayer for her. Maybe you could actually say something like, you're doing a good job. Or, I'm beyond thankful I get to stay home with my kids because I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave them everyday.

I'm so thankful for these past two "ice" days we've had. Two days I got to spend at home with my boys. It doesn't have to be about who's a better mom..... we both are doing what is best for our family's. We would walk through fire whether we are at home or at work for those we love.

Independent Little People

Independent...... Why is it so hard to let our little people be independent? For some, it may be the pure fact that we are control freaks or for some maybe it's that we just don't want them to grow up. Whatever it is, we have to let them have some independence at some point.

Malachi makes his own waffle in the toaster, no big deal. He puts his own corn dog in the microwave, no big deal. However, when he asked if he could get a cup and pour his own chocolate milk, I had a mild panic attack. I immediately said no and he replied, mommy, I can do it. I of course was thinking, no you can't, your too little, you will spill it. And then I realized, my kids are never going to learn how to do anything because I won't let them. I finally said ok, get you a cup and get some milk but take it to the table so it will be lower and easier to pour. I just couldn't let go of the fact that he might spill it the first time he tried pouring it on his own. I couldn't let go of the fact that I might have to get up and help clean up.

I watched his every move. He picked the biggest glass we had, got the milk out of the fridge, walked over to the table and proceeded to pour. He tilted the jug and the milk came rushing out. I yelled, ok that's enough! He looked at me with a big smile on his face and said see mom, I told you I could do it and he did. Not one drop of milk was spilled. And even if he did spill it, would that be the end of the world? Of course not. He was trying something new on his own. He didn't fail at pouring his milk, but the next time he tries something new on his own he may fail and that's ok. That's how they learn. That's how we learn. We try something new and we fail. We try it again until we get it right.

Lawson wanted to put jelly on his own biscuit. Like literally got the spoon and the jelly and asked me to open it. I kept saying, no mommy will do it, but he was so adamant about doing it himself, so I let him. I cut the biscuit open for him and let him get his jelly. Yes, I helped guide him a little but for the most part he did it all by himself and boy was he proud too. What was I afraid of? Him getting sticky and getting the counter all messy. Oh my, end of the world scenario.

I know there are certain things that they will want to do on their own that simply isn't going to happen because in fact, they are too little. But when it comes down to it, there is so much more that we can let them do. We learn through our mistakes so why not let them.

This is so much easier for me to type than actually do but it is something I want to really work on this year. I don't want them to adapt a mindset that they can't do anything and constantly rely on someone else to do it for them. I want them to learn that they are going to make mistakes and that everything they attempt may not pan out the first time. But that is no reason to give up, you gotta keep trying. I want them to learn to be independent. They'll still need me, I've just gotta learn to loosen up that leash a little.

Are you sad? That is the Big Question

Nick did not want to find out what we were having. I told him I had to know and of course everyone else was going to want to know. And if he could find a way not to find out then I was all for it. I would wait until the baby was born for him to find out. Impossible. I couldn't keep it a secret anyway. I like shopping and talking too much about the baby. My friend Destinee had agreed to go to my appointment with me. She was going to take the sono picture with the gender on it, go buy a gift for the boys to open with all of us together. Well last minute, we decided to invite our friends over so they could share in the excitement with us. It was such a fun time to spend with friends.

Oh the anticipation while waiting for everyone to get there. I was trying to be casual and cool but on the inside I was like a kid in the candy store. And then, it was time. Everyone had arrived and to the backyard we headed. Destinee thought the boys would enjoy spraying silly string everywhere and she was right, they loved it. So the time came to spray and they did and the silly string was white. White? I kept thinking, is this going to turn a brighter color after so many seconds. They kept spraying and we kept looking, kinda confused. And then we could see it. A light blue was coming out of the cans, not white. It was not going to turn pink any time soon. No matter how hard I thought or how many times I clicked my heels, it was not going to turn from blue to pink. It.was.a.boy.

I tried my hardest to smile and be happy and I was because hello, I'm being blessed by another baby. But this baby was not the girl I had hoped for. Dreamed of. Longed for. I wanted to just bend over and cry. No need in me lying about it, God already knew the outcome and he already knew how I would feel. But, for the sake of the people standing before me, I smiled, I carried on, I laughed and I held back the tears. The little girl I had always wanted was now my baby boy.

I cried that night after everyone left, away from my husband even. I even asked, Why doesn't God want me to have a little girl? I couldn't think of a very good reason honestly. I wanted to buy big bows just like everyone else with a girl. I wanted to buy frilly fun clothes and watch her dance recitals too. I couldn't think of the why because I could only think of the now. God was looking at the bigger picture and already had plans for this little boy and he chose me to help him fulfill them.

Oh I'm sorry, you just can't believe that I wouldn't be happy? You can't believe I wanted to cry even though I was still having a wonderful little blessing? Well, I'm sorry then that I'm a little more human than you. Have you never wanted something so bad and when you didn't get it, your heart fell to the ground? Have you prayed for something you thought would be wonderful and the Lord had different plans than yours? No? Interesting.

Yes I was sad. Yes I cried. Yes I asked why. And yes I woke up the next day still thinking, I'm having another boy not a girl. I got to work that day and told someone it was boy and their words....that's terrible. No little girl huh? And then....it all changed. I could feel my face get red and my body heated up and out came the claws. I said, no it's not terrible. I am a boy mom. I love having boys. And now, I have been blessed with one more. And that's when I knew... I was born to be a mom of boys. I felt it. I didn't think about that he could have been a girl but he was a boy. No, I thought about how if you say that about my son again, I'll punch you in the face. (Let me also say, this person knew I really wanted a girl so I know their intentions were good, it just came out wrong. They meant well and was trying to make me feel better but....)

I'm now a mom to 3 boys and I couldn't be happier. God gave me what I needed, not what I wanted. I don't know how our lives will play out but I can't wait to see what these three amazing little boys do in the future. Now we live with the anticipation of meeting him. Who will he look like? What will his name be? (No, we don't have one picked out.) I love picturing myself wearing three different numbers for three different little athletes. And who knows, this one may not care about sports. The anticipation of his little personality makes me heart smile.

In 5 more months we will  meet one of the 3 most wonderful little boys in the world. I can't wait to hold him and help raise him to be the man God wants him to be.

Thank you all for the congratulations and the kind words. Please pray for him and that he would be a healthy baby boy.

Sidenote: To my future DILs, please know, I am going to pick you a part, background check you, watch you like a hawk.  Hurt one of my boys. Go on, I dare you. :) Kidding. I'm kidding.

Our Month of September

We have finally made it to October! Not so keen on the weather (thankfully its still warm) but I do love decorating for fall. I HATE anything with a pumpkin taste. Weird? Non-American? Don't care. Yuck Yuck Yuck. I do however love the taste of caramel apples, the smell of smoke coming from a chimney, college football, bonfires and hayrides (although, they don't seem to do those here much)...... And I must add, I HATE cold weather. Hate hate hate

Anywayyy, the month of September has been none too exciting. Why? Because I spent more than my share of time sick in the bed. As if morning sickness wasn't enough, I caught that dang stomach bug and I'm pretty sure it had me knocking at deaths doors. Awful. It was absolutely awful. Even when I finally kicked it, I still had/have morning sickness. Mostly right in the middle of the day, sometimes at night...the point, I still have it!!! So over it. Thanks to my co-worker who gave me some zofran, those little pills work tremendously. I never took anything with the boys because the sickness didn't last that long and it was never this bad so I caved and I am so glad I did. Everyone keeps saying, "You know what that means? It's a girl." I really really want that to be true and believe them but I also no there is a 50/50 chance he's a boy. Which I will be ok with. After all, I know what I'm doing with boys and who doesn't want to be the most protected woman in the country? ;) Nick has been a pure saint during this sickness. He has not complained (to my face at least) about me laying around 24/7 and he has, as always, takes great care of the boys. I couldn't ask for a better husband.

Malachi loves talking about the baby. He gets real excited and tends to pat my stomach a little hard at times. lol I can't wait for him to feel the baby move. He's doing great in school and loving playing soccer. He loves all sports actually. Lawson is doing good at his "school." He loves his teacher which is a big help knowing I'm leaving him with someone else. I don't think he still quite understands I have a baby in my belly but I know he will be excited once he/she gets here. He's wanting to play sports now which makes his daddy happy. Only one of those is football.......ay yi yi.

We also had our Be the Church September 28th. It is absolutely one of my most favorite days of the year. I love helping someone in our community. And then going back to the church that evening for food, fellowship and worship....well, it doesn't get much better than that. There's just something I love about having worship service outside.

16 Weeks Today

Can't wait to find out what this little human is...........Come on October 22nd!!!

Our First Week of School.....

Last week was our first ever......first week of kindergarten and my first week of teaching. I'm happy to report, WE ARE STILL ALIVE!! I have had two babies, woke up every two hours for feedings, still get woke up every night but never in my life have I been more tired than when I finished my first week of teaching. Was that a for real situation?!?!  Walking kids to their car for an hour in 98 degree weather just took the icing right off the cake. Every night I would come home and all but die. My body was here and breathing but my mind was in a land of zzzzzzz's. I felt so bad for the boys because they of course wanted to play but I literally couldn't move. When I would wake up in the morning, my calves felt like I had been to boot camp the night before. I would just pray, please don't let me get a charlie horse in the middle of class. :) All in all though it was a great first week. I had so much support from my co-workers. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with.

Malachi is absolutely loving it kindergarten! He loves his teacher, especially the treasure chest they get to pick from on Fridays. ;) He usually gets him in a good little nap between school and home in the evenings. Wiped out. I'm so thankful that I am able to see him during the day. Even just the little things like when I walked by he was using the teacher pointer and "teaching" the class. He was really just the helper. But I loved that I get to witness these first memories of him in school. (Did I mention before he even started school he asked for a pointer for his birthday??)

Lawson had a great first week in the 3's class. He had a new teacher but seems to be doing ok with her. Nick said he had a great first week too. He's an old pro at this teaching thing so he came home and was an actual living and moving human being. :)

I'm looking forward to a great year and a lot of growing!!!

                                               

A School Year of Firsts.....

This school year will be a year of firsts. For me, it will be my first year teaching!!! I will be teaching computers. Runs in the family? Maybe. (Nick teaches computers at a different campus in case you didn't know.)  This was kind of an unexpected door that opened and I was happy to jump on board. I love where I work and the teachers that work there. I love our principals and office staff. I'm nervous but oh so excited!! I love the fact that I will get to be with the kids this year. It's definitely not what I thought I would be doing but I'm happy to take the first step. Who knows, I may end of loving computers and wanting to stay here instead of teaching a grade level. I am going to miss my peeps in the other building...but I know I'll still see them everyday. :)

The other first is........Malachi starts kindergarten! Holy moly, where has the time gone??? He is so excited to be going to school. He has even practiced putting on his backpack and walking to his class. Even though he will be at school with me and I know he'll do great, it still makes me a little nervous. It's just a whole new ballgame compared to pre-school/daycare. The kinder teachers at our school are amazing so I know he will be in good hands. He's not a baby anymore. :(   School supplies, uniforms, paperwork, field trips, packing a lunch, making sure homework is in the take back folder......this is getting real people!

Stay tuned for a first day post!!!

I'm So Tired of Not Being Fed At My Church, I Think I'll Look Elsewhere

"I am so tired of not being fed at the church I attend. I think I'm going to start looking elsewhere."  Have you ever said this to yourself or to someone else? Maybe you've even left your church to go somewhere else because your current church wasn't "feeding" you enough. I've been there. Sunday after Sunday, mid-week service after mid-week service, I would go to church, sing, listen to the preacher and leave. I would feel like I wasn't getting anything out of it. I wasn't being "fed" the way I thought I should have been. I was going because that's what your "supposed" to do. "The preacher's message wasn't ringing any bells for me. Why??"

I recently read a blog and some of the comments were about how this person didn't feel like they were being fed like they should be at their church. Since then, it's just been on my heart about how many of us feel this way. And the more I pondered on it, the more the Lord kept saying.... It's not that they are not being fed but it's time they start pouring out what they have been fed. I began visualizing and by (I) I mean the Holy Spirit kept showing me through a coke. That's right folks, He knows just how to keep my attention. You know how when you pour a drink or something and that drink begins to overflow, you rush to put something under it to catch it in so it isn't wasted? (maybe not so much a coke but something else) Well, if you don't get something else it's going to be just that. Wasted.

God began to show me that is how we as believers often are. Saying we aren't being fed but in reality, maybe it's time we start to do the feeding. God is filling us up so that we can pour into others what he's fed us. But if we are just sitting around, all of that that God has filled us with is being wasted. Also, eventually, you have to start feeding yourself some. Your pastor, your youth leader, whoever it is, can't be the one always "feeding" you. There eventually comes a time when we can feed ourselves and let the church be our refreshers and are refills.

You may think that you can't pour out because you're not on the worship team or you're not the preacher but there are so many other ways to pour into peoples lives. Random acts of kindness, working in your church nursery, be a greeter, an usher, pick up trash, get involved in your community, write someone an unexpected note to encourage them. Pouring into someone's life doesn't mean standing at the pulpit or shouting in their face about getting saved, pouring into their lives can just simply mean loving them when the world is crumbling around them.

Spring Break

I'm pretty sure I blinked and spring break was over. I love having time off with the whole family. Staying up late, sleeping in, not cooking.....sounds like a good week to me. :)  We didn't have a lot of plans, just hanging out and getting things done around the house. One day we went to Klyde Warren Park so the boys could play. It was my first time there and I must say, it's a very nice place to hang out and eat. I love that they have food trucks even though we didn't eat from them this time. (The lines were just way too long.) After the park, we went to the bookstore. We really need to take the boys more often. They loved picking out their own books and I loved the prices of them. We found a baseball field at one of the local parks and decided to get a little practice in. Then we headed home to end our day with ice cream.

Day 1

Tuesday we went to the zoo. It was such a beautiful day and it actually felt like spring. The boys enjoyed the zoo so much more this time. Well, the last time we went, Lawson was just a baby so I guess he didn't care either way. Malachi enjoyed it a lot more this time. We rode the dart from downtown which made the trip that much more exciting. A train ride is a win win either way. 

 Day 2

Lawson did not like the big Iguana. 

 

The rest of the week was spent on house projects, studying and reading. I almost have our bedroom redecorated. I can't wait to show you. We haven't had it decorated since we moved in, almost 5 years ago! We got the living room painted.....Love the color! Now we are getting ready to put in wood floors. This makes me so excited. I am so sick of our cheetah colored carpets. (That's how many stains are on it.) There is still a lot to be done in with the living room and kitchen but at least we are making progress!!

To the Parents of Athletes.....From a Coach's Wife

So your kids on a team and probably the star athlete, at least in your eyes. Maybe he or she got to play the whole game tonight because well, they are that good. Or, maybe, they only played the last 3 minutes of the game. I get it. You want them to play no matter what. So now we come to the part where your star athlete was taken out of the game for whatever reason the coach sees fit or finally your kid is getting to go in the game. You.are.furious.with.the.coach. How dare he take your star athlete out of the game. How dare he only let your star athlete play the last 3 minutes.

 I mean after all, he/she is JUST the coach. You're the real coach. You're the one who gets up at an ungodly hour in the morning to get to the gym, practice field, etc., to make sure someone is there when your athlete arrives. You're the one who stays late after school for practice. You're the one who practices with them day in and day out. You're the one who knows the abilities of everyone on the team. You're the one who gets the failure report for everyone on the team. You're the one who not only tries to coach the entire team but also the one who tries to instill life lessons in them. And let's not forget the one who travels to and from away games with them and makes sure EVERYONE on the team returns safely to you, not just your athlete. You're the one who studies game film to make sure the team makes it to the playoffs and you're the one who works toward getting your athlete a scholarship.

Since you already know all of this because let's face it you know way more about the team than the coach does, let me tell you something you may not know:

When that coach is getting up in the morning or staying late for practice....those are hours he is spending time with your kid not his own. We would love for him to be at home but instead he/she is trying to help your athlete become a little bit better.

When he/she checks grades and failure reports, he has 10+ kids to worry about, you have one.

When he/she goes to an away game, he/she has to make sure that the entire team follows rules and returns home safely to you. You only have to worry about your athlete.

When you jump down his/her throat for the game they just lost, he/she has already beat themselves up a thousand times over in their head of what they could have done differently.

Oh and guess what. The coach that is trying his/her hardest to make your athlete the best that they can be has 50+ other kids during the day that they teach. That's their first job. Coaching is a choice your right but it's also a passion. A passion that they have to see kids excel in their sport.

Until you spend the hours evaluating and watching every player on the team to see who excels in which area better, know that your athlete may just in fact not be the best player on the team. So, go home and work with them, help them get better. What? That's not your job, it's the coaches job. Then why do you spend the whole game trying to get your athlete to look at you up in the stands instead of listening to their coach.

I know the coach doesn't always call the correct play and yes, they could have probably made a change that would've won the game. And yes, he probably could have played your athlete a little more. Still, at the end of the game, he/she cares about your athlete. Support them. You may not agree with everything but support them. Teach your athlete to respect. Teach them that it's not an everybody gets a trophy kind of world. You have to fight in life, you have to fight for your position on the team. Make that coach want to put you in. Show him/her that you are worth more than 3 minutes. Don't just let your athlete sit on the sideline and roll their eyes and bash their coach because they chose to play video games or sleep in when the rest of the team chose to put a little extra time in the gym or on the field. Teach them responsibility.

Side note: My little athlete is about to start his own journey in the world of sports. Trust me, I know I will have to remind myself of this. Trust me.

When Doubt Clouds Our View.....

The verse that went along with my devotional this morning was from Matthew 14:28-32. It’s the story of Peter walking on water to Jesus and when he saw the wind he began to sink and cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus reached out his hand and caught him, asking, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

 In past months I've been like Peter, trusting God enough to walk on water until the wind began to blow and then I start doubting. Are you really there God? Are you really going to help me through this? And, just like with Peter, He always reaches out his hand and saves me. Not usually at the time I would like for him too but in the perfect time, in His time.

I’m so thankful for a God who already knows our tomorrow. A God that already knows that our tomorrow holds doubt and fear yet He still meets us in that tomorrow and is ready to save us. What about you? Does Peter’s walk on water look like yours right now?  Remember (I have to remember), this life is full of problems but it’s where we put our focus that will help us overcome. It's so easy to focus on Jesus and the things He has for us until doubt creeps in and clouds our view.  

Where is your (my) focus? On the problem or on the one who can instantly stop the wind? This is so much easier said than done but I pray that it be something I work on daily. 

It Pierced My Heart

Last night was a moment I knew would come eventually. A moment I had not waited on all my 5 years of motherhood. A moment that pierced through my heart. The words from my 5 year old that I can't get out of my head: I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY MOMMY ANYMORE!! I know I know what you're probably thinking: "This is the first time he's ever said that or something like that??? My kid has said that a million times to me and I just brush it off." Why yes, yes it is.

Rewind to the reasoning of his outburst...... He has started yelling at us in this growling kind of way when he doesn't get his way and we are trying to cut the cord on that. So when he didn't get his way last night, he did just that, growled and yelled at me. (I guess when I read it like that it's kind of funny.) Anyway, so I sent him to his room. Time was up, he came out and wanted to do the same thing. I again said no, he growled and I told him to go back to his room. He stomped away, stopped, turned around and did the whole stick your tongue out with that spitting sound...well you get the picture. So, that was it. Now it was time for bed. Let.the.meltdown.begin. Screaming the whole time he's getting his pajamas on. I put him in bed. I got Lawson ready for bed and as I was laying him down I hear those heartbreaking words...I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY MOMMY! GET OUT OF HERE!

A big lump filled my throat as I walked out of the room. I was trying so hard not to cry because I knew they were just words and he didn't mean them. Let's face it, he's 5 years old and it's probably, I mean it IS, gonna happen again. But as I walked in the living room my eyes filled up and tears started rolling down my face. I felt so hurt. It wasn't necessarily because of what he said (again, I knew he didn't mean it) but I just kept thinking, what if I wasn't his mommy anymore? What if something happened to me and he got a new mommy? (I would haunt Nick for the rest of his life.) (kidding) What if something happened to him and someone else was raising him? I could not get these haunting thoughts out of my head. I was trying hard to dry it up because Nick was on his way home and I didn't want him to know why I was crying. lol I think words take a different toll on mom's more than they do on dad's. I'm not saying dad's don't get their feelings hurt but mom's are just by nature more nurturing. We are the lovers, huggers, kissers, make my boo boo feel better, cheerleader no matter how bad you stink at what you are doing, etc. I just didn't think he would understand.

It  made me think so hard about what being a mommy is. The blog I read the other day that was talking about "I Signed Up For This," was right on the money. I thought of how much my job as a mom really means. I was given the chance to help mold and shape these two tiny humans to be men of God, men that are respectful, men that value other people for who they are, I was chosen. I knew I was doing what was right and I had to stick to my guns. He wasn't dying and going to bed a little early wasn't going to kill him. I know it is only going to get harder the older they get. And as hard as it may get at times with the screams and the yells and the I hate you's or the I don't want you to be my mommy, I will also be thankful and beyond grateful that I have the chance to be called mom.

And....just like I thought, this morning was a new day. I talked to him about what he said and he got tears in his eyes and said, I only want you to be my mommy. A part of me was like, Boom!!! I won! But the even bigger part of me was trying not to cry again because that little person sitting by my side, holding my hand was mine forever and no screaming fit and no words could ever change that.