SAY SOMETHING

Here I am once again writing about a topic that I just don’t understand how it keeps happening. Racism. In the last two weeks, three black individuals that we know of, have been killed because of the color of their skin. As I sit here, I ask the question, what is it that white people don’t like about the color of my husband’s skin? What is it that drives the hate behind the mask? I say mask, because many of our friends are kind and loving to our family because they know Nick. They know he’s a good guy. (You are right, you have heard this before. Unfortunately, you are doing nothing about it.) Anyway, there is a mask that rests on your face of I know him so I know he’s good vs the man being murdered on the video must have done something first.

The videos circle of another black individual being killed and the first thing you say is, “There must be more to the story.” Or maybe you say, “He/she must have done something. They wouldn’t just kill him.” Then you begin to dig. You search and search for something that will pop up from their past so that you can breathe a sigh of relief for your feelings of “They must have done something wrong and look here, I found this. 5 years ago he was arrested for_______. You fill in the blank since it’s your justification.” You push back and you fight because maybe, just maybe they actually did nothing wrong and this is another cruel and evil act of a white person using what they believe is their superiority over someone they see as less than them because of the color of their skin.

Stop saying white people. We are not all racists. I’m so tired of headlines reading White man kills black man. White officer kills black man. White White White. Well flip it around then and think about how it must feel to be on the other end of it ALWAYS being a black person that is the one being killed. Black man shot running. Black woman shot sleeping. Black man shot in his recliner. Black Black Black. This is what makes you uncomfortable. This is what makes you look the other way. These are the conversations that are hard because this is what is going to continue to happen until WHITE people get over their sense of being superior, their feeling of “I don’t know what to do or say.” SAY SOMETHING. Read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Do some research. Yes I am saying to have the hard conversations with your black friends but don’t rely on them to do all the work for you. I have never heard something more true than when Pastor Steven Ivey said, “I am sick and tired of your Facebook messages and text messages that privately affirm me and my skin but don’t stand for me at your dinner table, in the marketplace, or in the front of law and policy makers.”

Yes, I want you to stand beside me and my family. I want you to love my husband and my boys but I also want you to love my friend’s son Josiah, our friend’s daughter Lucy, our friends Dustin and Cortez, my in-laws and extended family. You see, you don’t know those individuals and because you don’t know them, you can’t trust them or at least this is what you have led yourself to believe. I don’t just want my family to grow up with people standing for them, I want every black person that has breath to be awarded the same dignity and respect that you would give my family. Not because you know them but simply because they are human.

We have gotten away from the love that we so often preach about. “Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:31) I would say we do love like this as long as the person looks like us and believes the way we do and we do it well, but that is not what the verse says. It says to love your neighbor. To my knowledge, there is no adjective in front of the word neighbor. It does not say love your white neighbor, your black neighbor, your skinny neighbor, your stay at home mom neighbor, your rich neighbor, etc. It simply says, your neighbor meaning EVERYONE and yet, we still do not do this.

People will ask us, how can we help? What can we do? My husband and I will look at each other sometimes blankly because the easy answer is, just love everyone.  Of course we know this isn’t going to happen so we say this. Have the hard conversations. Talk to your kids. Invite people into your home that do not look like you and share life stories. When they share, listen. Be the example of the change you want to see. I don’t always know what to say because it is hard and I don’t have all the answers but I can say something. I can share stories. I can share what I know and what I hear my husband say. I listen to other peoples stories and I can learn from their experiences. I can be a voice and not stay silent.

These words are not enough. They don’t even scratch the surface of what is going on around us. I can’t adequately describe the injustice that is happening to black individuals on a daily basis. Black people do not need our help simply because they are black but because they are human. They took their first breath the same way that you and I did but far too often their last breath is never in the same way that we will take ours.  

Dear Friends: Promise Me You Will Read the Whole Thing

For all my friends that know me well know that I hate confrontation and arguments. I would rather just do what needs to be done and avoid it at all costs. But, for the last two nights, when my husband has fallen asleep, I have gone to the bathroom and cried. I have cried over the loss of a man that I didn't even know. I have cried because there is a fear inside of me that wonders if someday this could be my husband or one of my three sons. PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

This is not a post about white cops killing black people so please just keep reading. This is a post about a wife and a mother wanting you desperately to understand the world we are living in and the reason we react to certain news stories the way we do. In fear.

When I met Nick, I met a funny, smart, incredibly good looking man. A black man. A black man that became my husband and the father of my three amazing boys. He and my boys did not get to choose what color of skin they have. God did that. And since God is the perfector of all things, I would say their skin is just perfect. Imagine if you had a son/daughter born with down syndrome, mental retardation, born without an arm or a leg, etc, imagine if one of my boys or me and my husband made a joke about them? Remember now, it was only a joke. It would anger you to the core. It would hurt every fiber in your being. Why? Because they didn't choose this disability. They are your son/daughter and you love them no matter what. So imagine when you make a joke to me or my husband about a black stereotype. "Oh Nick doesn't like watermelon. I thought all black people do."It hurts. It's not funny. You may see us laugh it off and shake our head, why? Because if we say anything to you about it, you become defensive and say Oh I was just joking. It was just a joke. It's just a joke to you but your joke is part of the problem.  PROMISE ME YOU WILL READ THE WHOLE THING.

Two weeks ago my husband and I were in Walmart. He saw the lady watching him the whole time. We were in the self-checkout. We rang everything up, checked out and left. She was still watching him. We are almost to the door and the cashier comes running to us. "A customer didn't see you scan the two air mattresses. Can I check your receipt?" (A customer?) Yes mam, here it is. "Oh there it is. Sometimes things just don't show up. I didn't see you ring it up." Wait, you first said a customer. Now you say it doesn't always show up. Now you say it was you that didn't see it. See, I know what you are thinking friends, we are making it a race thing. We have had plenty encounters to know when he is being targeted for race and when he is not. So please, don't try and dumb this down to being nothing. That is part of the problem.

Let me ask you a few questions: Have you ever had your 3 year old nephew come home upset because his white friend said he didn't want to play with him because he was black? (Explain that to a 3 year old) Have you ever ridden with your husband through a town where the KKK is still active and fear grips his face because he is just praying we make it through there without breaking down and before it gets dark? Have you ever had someone in the store ask you, "Oh is he yours?" talking about my son. Have you ever had anyone ask you, "Oh, where is she from?" talking about my niece because they thought she was adopted. Have you ever been asked if you are still with THE daddy because you couldn't possibly have the same dad for all three boys and still be with him. Have you ever gone to school to get your Bachelor's degree and people just assume you are there to play sports? My husband did not go to college to play sports. He went to further his education.

I hear what you are saying. Trust me. I know you know us. I know you know what kind of man Nick is and how we are raising our boys but society doesn't. Not everyone sees him as a well educated black man. A black man who was a coach, a middle school teacher and now a High School Youth Minister. Not everyone will see the big heart he has, the hard worker that he is, the compassion that he feels for those in need. They will only see him as a black man. Someone they need to watch closely. We are raising three boys to the best of our ability. God fearing, respectable, hard working, compassionate, kind to everyone. We can do that. We can pray for their protection and pray that they always follow God's heart. We also have to prepare them for the way they will be treated because of the color of their skin. Their skin. Something they did not choose. PROMISE ME YOU WILL KEEP READING.

We always hear that it takes a village to raise our kids and we do. But I need to know that my village is not part of the problem. I need to know that you don't dismiss every story you hear because "people are just playing the race card again." I need to know that you are teaching your kids to love everyone despite their skin color, how much money they have, what kind of car they drive, etc. I need to know that when you pick up my baby that you don't see him as the cutest mixed baby (because apparently all mixed babies are the cutest which just isn't true) but as world changer. I need to know that if someone is being mean to my kid because of the color of their skin that you will have the guts to stand up to them. I need to know that you want to see this world change from the hate that is in it to a world where people are loved not because of the color of their skin but because they are a human being.

And here is where I need you to PROMISE TO KEEP READING because this is where I'll just be real honest. Don't you DARE tell me I shouldn't fear for my husband and sons because it will never happen to them. Don't you DARE tell me that it's different because my husband is not a "thug" and he acts right. Do you know how many people have "acted right" and still been killed? Don't you DARE tell me to sit and talk with an officer about all the crap they have gone through until you have set with my family about all the crap we (including my in-laws) have gone through. (This happened this morning.)

You see, this is not a cop vs black people problem. It is a society as a whole problem. We don't want to acknowledge it unless it affects us directly. I have told stories of things that have happened to me and my husband and people act shocked. "No, not here. Not in our town. I just can't believe that would happen. It must have been a misunderstanding." This is part of the problem. You don't want to see it. You would rather keep your blinders on and hope that someone else fixes the problem.

As a wife and mother, I try not to fear anything for my family. I pray and I try my hardest to trust God in everything. This is what I do know. My family loves the Lord with all their heart. We will serve him despite the news reports. We will serve him no matter how we are treated. We will tell the good news to those who need to hear it. We will raise our boys to be God-fearing men. We will love those who love us and love those who hate us. Will you join us? Will you love no matter what? Will you seek to help those no matter the color of their skin? Will you get out of your comfort zone and try and understand someone else's footsteps who are not like you? Will you be part of the change?

It's Going To Be More Than You Can Handle

I don't know what the IT is in your life but IT is going to be more than you can handle. I know, you've been told that "God will never give us more than we can bear." Here's the truth to that... It's not true. You won't find it in the Bible. You might possibly find it on a Pinterest poster under amazing quotes but it's simply not true. People often relate 1 Corinthians 10:13 to this phrase. Paul was writing about temptation not suffering.  I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm even more sorry that someone has told this very phrase to you. You're probably thinking how could you possibly be this strong Christian, letting this circumstance way you down because you should be able to handle it. That's because you are human. That's because you need God more than ever before.

If we could handle everything, there would be no need for our faith in Him. Do you honestly think losing a child is bearable? Do you think seeing your spouse suffer and die from cancer is bearable? I can't imagine. These things are unbearable BUT with the hope and trust in God that his promise to never leave nor forsake us is what is going to carry you through. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." This is your HOPE!!

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Psalm 23:4 When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

You are in the toughest battle of your life right now but God is not surprised. You don't think you can handle anymore...You can't without Him. Lean on him. Trust in Him. He can carry you through. It's not going to be easy but by the Grace of God you will overcome. 

So the next time someone tells you, he will never give you more than you can bear, throat punch them (or call me and I'll do it.) Or, simply say, Your wrong. I can't bear this but I know God won't leave me alone to do it by myself. He is with me ALWAYS. 

Teachers Care

Hey mom and dad I know you are frustrated. You feel like your child's teacher doesn't like them. You feel like the school is against them. All you want is for your child to get a good education. All you want is for his/her teacher to teach them, everything. It can be hard leaving your precious cargo in the hands of someone else for 7+ hours a day. (I get it. I have a son in school too.)

You see, as a teacher, we don't just have your child. We have an entire classroom full of someone's babies. We have to make sure that every student in that classroom is well taken care of and getting the education that they need. It is our duty. It is our job. It is also our calling.

I understand you are frustrated and are now sending me an email every 3 hours because I wouldn't help your sweet boy tie his shoe. After all, you did say it was my job to teach him that skill and I did. What you don't know is for 3 months we sat at recess and went over and over "Over under around the tree..." and one day he finally got it!! I was so proud of him. I even let him get a prize from the treasure box. So when he asked me to help him tie his shoe, I told him no, you can do it now.

I understand that you are frustrated because your daughter came home and told you I wouldn't let her turn in her work. I get it that would frustrate me too. But see, I have been asking her for her work since last Friday and she kept telling me she would turn it in. Now it's past due and no, I wouldn't accept it. Remember when you told me it was my job to teach her to be responsible?

As teachers, we are constantly told that we are responsible for the way children act, what they learn, let's be honest, we are responsible for making sure they eat their lunch. It's not a fairyland here at school. No. Sometimes it's just the opposite. We are hit, kicked, cussed at, lied about, belittled, etc and still, we come back, every single day. We come back because we care.

We really do care about your child. We care so much that sometimes we take our own money to buy them lunch because you forgot to pack one. We buy them a coat when we see they are wearing short sleeves in 32 degree weather. We stay after school and tutor them to make sure they don't fall behind in Math and Reading. We sometimes neglect our own families because we are preparing the next day for your child. We see your child with great potential and that's why we expect the best from them.

So mom and dad, please remember when you are ready to beat down our door in anger, we have cared for your child in ways you can't imagine. Your child has disrespected us in ways you don't want to admit. But still, we love them and we will continue to teach them not just because it's our job but because we care. So if you want to do something, pray for us. Pray for wisdom that we can give each child in our class what he/she needs. Pray for strength. That when the days are tough we are tougher. Pray for understanding. Pray that we understand exactly what it is that your child needs. Pray for our safety. We never know what might enter our classroom. Pray for rest. Just because we go home and lay our heads down doesn't mean we are not thinking about the little boy who just lost his dad or the little girl who always wears shoes with holes in them. We are by no means perfect and we will/do make mistakes. But if we work together as a team we can make a difference in your child's life. We are in this together.

It's Not About the Decorations

Saturday we celebrated Malachi's 7th birthday soccer style. He had a great time at his first all "boy" party along with his sweet friend Maryn. All boy party.....growing up too fast. I'm sure it won't be the last and I'm sure it won't be long before it will be boys and girls again. 

For starters, I semi forgot the party was this weekend. I mean, I didn't realize it was this close. I thought I still had one more week to plan. And the lie detector test shows that was a lie. 3 days. 3 days is what I had to get things in order. Cookie cakes. I had not ordered cookie cakes and I did not think to order them until Friday. I went in to HEB and asked if they could do two cookie cakes for the following day. She said yes. Whew. Thank you Lord. I told her I wanted soccer balls and them to say Happy Birthday Malachi. Saturday arrives. I go to pick up said cookie cakes and she only has one. I say, I asked for two. She had written down soccer balls but not the quantity. She was super sorry and said she could make one real quick. I smiled and said, don't worry about it. They all taste the same anyway. I walked over, looked at the pre-made cookie cakes and here were my choices: purple and pink flowers or a Christmas tree. The decision wasn't hard. Christmas tree it was. So, these were the cookie cakes that were displayed at the party. 

I'm sure you're thinking no big deal, they are just cookie cakes and they are. But, had this been 6 years ago, 2 years ago, I would have been a raging mad woman. First, the fact that I didn't order in time. Second, because she got them wrong!! What were people going to think? A Christmas tree certainly doesn't match the theme of the party. How embarrassing! There's no way I would have taken a Christmas tree to the party. The FC Dallas cake, yeah, I wrote on that myself. It was just a generic cake until Malachi said, "What about my FC Dallas cookie cake?" Problem solved. I will write on it myself. Crooked. Small. Sloppy. Guess what? He didn't care. He was just happy that it said FC Dallas. 

You see, I use too panic over these parties. Everything had to be perfect. Decorations had to be great. I love decorating and making things for parties. Still do. I never spend a lot of money because I like to make them myself. But I admit, I become a total mad woman until the party starts. Until I realized, no one but me cares about the decorations. No one has ever said oh that looks amazing. Or, ugh, why did you hang that up. Nope. No one cares. Not even the birthday boy himself. Sure, he has his opinions and suggestions on what he wants but me not having that exact decoration has never, not once, spoiled the party for him. Just me. I was the one that would throw a fit. I was the one that would think people would be judging me, until now. 

This year, I just smiled and laughed. Cookie cakes, wrong. So what. They will still taste the same. (Although the soccer ball did have a massive amount of icing.) Thank you gifts for the guests. Well, I tried to make this super cool popcorn with white chocolate and oreos that make it look soccerish in the bag...fail. Now, I have nothing. All well. I'll just get something else. Unless you are my husband, you probably don't understand how big of a deal this is for me. I seriously just went with the flow of the day. 

The moment I realized that all of this didn't really matter... At the end of the party when everyone was getting ready to leave, I turned just in time to see Malachi hop up on this table. Picture it with me. You know how you run and turn to hop up on something without using your hands...this is what he did. And then, he looked at me and smiled. It was a smile I hadn't seen before. Or maybe a smile I hadn't noticed because I was so consumed with myself. It was a big boy smile. (and now I tear up again trying to write this) I smiled back with an overflowing heart realizing, he's growing up before my eyes. The decorations isn't what matters. It's him. He loved every minute of that party. So much he didn't even want to take time to open his gifts until he got home. He never even asked WHY he had a Christmas tree cookie cake. He didn't ask where the little soccer gift bags were. No, all he cared about were the friends that he just spent over an hour playing one of his favorite sports with. 

I'm not saying I won't decorate for any more parties. Hello, I still decorated a little. And I'm sure there will still be a few meltdowns (from me) but I finally get it. What matters most, is the person we are celebrating. As long as these three little people are happy, then my heart will also be happy. Take it from me. Don't make yourself so crazy that you don't even enjoy what's right in front of you. Make the moments count. It's so true what they say, they will be grown before we know it. 

A picture I snapped after our exchange of smile.

Just As I Was

Getting ready for church yesterday morning was a struggle. The baby was crying because he wanted to be held. I still needed to get ready. My 4 year old needed his hair combed. Yes, that is a chore within itself. I couldn't find the 4 year old any shoes. The baby is still crying. I'm trying to put on my makeup with one hand while holding him in the other. I go to the nursery to change his clothes and he just isn't cooperating. (Sometimes I think it would be easier to put lipstick on a snake than get a 7 month old dress.) Words are going through my head that are not appropriate for young viewers who may be reading or for those who are much holier than thou. I was mad. I was hot. My hair was in my face. It was kind of like a small nightmare. Finally I just said, What the heck do you want from me God? (lol, I love hearing you gasp.) I finally got all three of us in the car. Wait, I still have to go get formula so he will have some for the nursery. This was not in my plans. Insert more frustration. 

We finally make it to church. I smiled. I said good morning to those I met. I dropped my babies off with a "Have a good class. Mommy will be back in a little bit." I hugged friends I hadn't seen since last Sunday. I had my church face on while inside I was beyond frustrated. Church began and I believe it was the second song we sang Jesus I come. The end of the song says:

Thank You Jesus

Just as I am I come

Hallelujah

Oh what amazing love

This is all he wanted, for me to come just as I was. He already knew how I was feeling. He knew I was frustrated. He knew I would have rather stayed at home. He knew that I was hating saying good morning to all those chipper people. But He also knew all I had to do was come. He would do the rest. He didn't ask me to fix my attitude before I walked through the doors. He didn't ask me to put on a certain outfit before I walked through the doors. He didn't ask me to act a certain way once I got there. He just wanted me to come, just as I was. 

How often do we try and "fix" ourselves before we come to God so that He can really help us? God doesn't ask us to clean ourselves up before we come to him. (Although showering is highly recommended. Kidding) He asks us to come just as we are. He will clean us up spiritually. He will take our frustrations and fill them with joy. He will take our broken hearts and mend them back together. He will take what is dead and make it alive. (Great sermon David!) God already knows your heart you just have to come. 

Later that night when I was rocking our 7 month old to sleep, I began to sing Come to me you weary one, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Take me upon you. And I will give you rest.
I sat there and thought about how my morning went and how he wanted me just as I was. He wanted me. Just me. The good, the bad and the ugly. He wanted the frustrated me just as I was.

Don't think you've got to clean up before you come to him. He wants you just as you are. He'll do the cleaning himself. 

Grace

I have my fair share of moments of weakness. I'm tired. I get up early, go to work, come home, go back and forth to soccer practice, try and get everyone fed and bathed, baby boy requires constant attention, and finally it's time for bed. I sit down and in that moment, I look over my day and say thank you. Thank you Lord for the life you have blessed me with. 

Now I'm guessing I wasn't saying thank you at 5:30 in the morning when the alarm went off and I had just got to sleep because some certain little boy didn't want to sleep. I probably wasn't saying thank you when I was at work with a class full of screaming kids. I wasn't saying thank you when I was rushing everyone out the door to get to practice on time and then back home to eat and get ready for bed. No, I wasn't saying thank you and yet He still loves me. 

My kids. My kids are my world. He knocked my drink off and spilled it. Everywhere. I yelled at him. He wrote on the ceiling and the seat in the car. I was so mad. I just wanted 20 minutes of rest. His nap lasted 10. I fussed at him for not getting in the car fast enough. He's 4. I fussed at him because he couldn't find his shoes that I had put away. He's 6. And yet, they still love me. 

Parenting is no joke. Living a life that is pleasing to Christ is no joke. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days when you want to give up. There are days when you don't deserve another chance. There are days when you just can't see the end. There are days when the mistakes just keep coming. There are days when you question why. 

How is it even possible that we can live a life with all this "chaos" going on? Grace. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

As a mom, I beat myself up over the little things. Lawson didn't have a 3rd birthday party. (Yet he survived and doesn't even remember he didn't have one. Maybe one day he will when he asks to see pictures, but for now, he's good.) Malachi didn't have any camo to wear on camo day. How could I forget that??? I'm a horrible mom. Now he will be the only one not in camo. Really?? He wasn't the only one not in camo and he survived. Amazing. I've forgot to feed them lunch before, even dinner. Amazingly they are still alive. I hit Jaxson's head on the car seat the other day trying to get him out. How could I do that to my baby?? (He didn't even cry.)  

I told God if he would help me out of this situation (???) I would never do it again. I did it again. Awesome bible study!! I'm pumped up to read my devotion everyday. I won't ever miss a day again Lord. I'm committed to knowing more about you. I missed the next three days. God please just take this pain away and I promise to serve you with all that I have. I didn't sign up for that volunteer opportunity that he provided. 

It's just like the song says, "If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."  Stop thinking because of one mistake that God doesn't love you or your kids don't love you. Stop thinking that because you may have slipped up after being clean/sober for so long that that's the end. Stop thinking that because that mistake you made yesterday, or today, or 10 years ago will keep you from the love of God. Stop thinking that because you just wanted to sit on the couch by yourself for 10 minutes that your kids don't love you. Stop thinking that because you didn't feel like making cupcakes for the party and opted to get store bought that your kid will be mad at you forever. 

There is this unexplainable love and grace that is given to us everyday. Take it. Run with it. You matter more than yesterdays mistakes. You matter more than tomorrows struggles. You matter more than today's pain. I am daily reminding myself of this and so should you.